Just A Dream
by Chelsea Oz
Summary: Dill Harris comes back into Scout Finch's life on the same day as her brother's death. He meets her in Maycomb and helps her through her grief. Complete!
1. Chapter 1

My brother had died. They were just words at first but once the silence came back the impact of those words hit me like one brick at a time. My mind was unable to process all the sentence for what it was and just took words piece by piece.

Jem. Inhale. Exhale.

Died. Inhale. Exhale.

Today. Inhale. Exhale.

Uncle Jack was the one who called me and told me about my brother's death. I wish I had someone here in the room with me to talk to him; someone who was so unattached to what was going on so they could comprehend what he was saying to me. All I can do is think about the information that was initially given to me and wait for the numbness to wear off. I couldn't wait until that next stage already. Not feeling anything is worse than sadness or anger because the latter two are real emotions with real names. Nothing is nothing.

"Say something, sweet," Uncle Jack pleaded with me.

"I can't," I replied, stoic.

"You just did," he said. "Honey, I will stay on this line for as long as you need me to. Just don't hang up, okay?"

"I won't."

My dear, sweet uncle. I began to cry; not because of my brother's death but with how my uncle obviously needed to know that I was okay. I had a big epiphany about how much I meant to him and it was heartbreaking to hear his plea of me not hanging up on him. My family, they need me alive.

"Uncle Jack," I sobbed. "Thank you for being the one who called me. I love you."

"I love you, too," he sniffled. "I've loved many a woman before but you were always my girl."

"I'm your niece, don't forget."

"Crude as ever," he chuckled. Oh my God, I made him laugh. If that's the only good thing that happens to me today, that's all right. "Yes, I do know that you are my niece. My intelligent, funny, beautiful niece whom I love with all my heart."

"You're my crazy, brilliant, alcoholic uncle whom I love very much."

"Are you okay, baby?"

"I think you'd understand if I wasn't."

"I would. Just promise me that you won't do anything stupid."

"I won't. You need me here."

"We all do. Hey, why don't we hang up now? Why don't you call Atticus or Hank?"

"I will later," I replied, honestly. God, I couldn't bear to hear them right now. I don't have the strength. "I just have to be alone right now."

"Okay, baby. Listen though, if you feel like doing something stupid, you call me and I will talk you out of it, you hear?"

"Yes, of course, I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Bye, Uncle Jack."

"Bye, baby."

I hung up the phone and immeadiately regretted it. The silence of my New York apartment was deafening and I couldn't stand it. My whole world was upside down and Uncle Jack's news of my brother's death played again in my ears. The space I was in no longer felt like my home and I felt myself spiraling into turmoil. Oh God, I'm having a breakdown. This can't be happening to me. My brother is dead, my uncle is scared to death I'm going to kill myself and I don't want to talk to my father. This was just a dream; no a nightmare. An honest to God fucking nightmare.

And then the phone rang. Oh God, it's my father or it's Hank. I can't do this: I'm not strong and I don't have the strength to pretend I'm strong. I wipe away my tears and go to the phone anyway. I was not in my body anymore and I feel as though I am guided to the phone by some unknown force. I don't even recognize my own voice as I answer.

"Scout, hey honey!"

"Dill Harris?" I screeched. How the hell did he find me? I didn't even let him know I moved to New York, that's how badly we've kept in touch over the years.

"Surprised, huh?"

"Yeah, among other things."

"Yeah, Jem wrote me some time ago and gave me your number in the case I would want to call. I wrote back to him and told him I would call but to keep it a secret that I knew your number. I guess he kept it; I haven't heard anything back from him yet."

"And you're not going to, either."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Dill, Jem died today. He had a heart attack just like my mother."

"Fuck!"

He yelled that obsenity so loud I thought he broke my ear drum. His wailing on the other end was even worse. He made me break down again and neither of us could stop from crying. We stayed on the phone and cried together for a long time.


	2. Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I didn't go back to Maycomb right away. I needed some time to myself before I could commit to going back to my hometown that is now as shaken as I am over Jem. I couldn't take anyone's tears more than I could take my own and I realized how lucky I was to not be there. Everybody knows my name and they like to think they know my story and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to write their own version of my new chapter regarding the loss of my brother. It was when I realized that I hadn't cried in the few hours since I got off the phone with Dill that I made the desicion to leave. I had called Uncle Jack back to tell him I was on my way to the airport and to please tell Atticus and Hank that I would be there as soon as I could.

"You don't expect me to pick you up, do you?" He asked, mumbling. I could tell he had been drinking again but that was no big surprise.

"Not if you don't want to," I told him.

"I'll call Hank and have him pick you up. I stocked my liquor cabinet back up and I plan on emptying it."

"Now it's my turn to tell you not to be stupid," I commented.

"I'm stupid; you're not."

"Just hang on until I get down there, okay? I need you alive just as much as you need me to be."

"If I haven't killed myself yet, I ain't gonna, sweet."

"Comforting, comforting. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Now that I'm on the plane getting closer and closer to Alabama territory, a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Again, they are not for Jem but for the fact that I have to be here again. In New York I'm just another face in the crowd, another secretary in a pool with other girls. Thank God for anymosity in the workforce; the boss told me to take as long as I needed because per usual, they had enough girls to go around. It's nice to feel so unwanted sometimes. Touchdown brings a ball of nerves up my throat and I don't dare to open my mouth in fear of throwing up.

"We are now in Mobile," the pilot announces as the other passengers unbuckle and squirm out of their seats in anticipation. "For those of you who are visiting, enjoy your stay. For those of you who live here, welcome home."

"That's a terrible thing to say," I whisper to myself as I sit there and watch the other's go by before I get myself out of there. I wished I could stay here and the pilot would offer me another ride to anywhere. I would tell him to take me to heaven. It would be then that I would finally feel better.

"Scout," I hear my name being called. It's Hank. Shit! I turned to the direction he was in and my heart broke for him when I saw him. He looked like he hadn't slept in a month and he just looked plain sad. I wonder if I look as shitty as he does. Nope, probably shittier.

"Come here, honey," he said as he began to cry. Great, I'm crying again because he's crying. I take his face in my hands and kiss his lips. It's tough seeing him cry. I would be the last to tell you I had a rough life but when I look at Hank, I know he had one. I feel a lot more sorry for him right now than I do myself.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," I tell him as I hug him around his waist. He hugged me back but remained silent. I felt funny about his silence but I'm not going to question it because we're all gonna be fucked up these days. I just wish this hug didn't feel so cold to me.

"Let's go home," he said with a coldness as he untangled himself from me.

"I don't want to go home," I said out loud.

"Well, too bad," he said, giving me daggars. "Jesus, didn't you ever stop to think about your father might feel?"

Oh, don't even, I thought to myself. He better not dare tell me about how my father feels again! I inhale all my anger and follow him out of the airport with my luggage that he had handed to me. What good was it to do anything else? I was too emotional and too tired to fight about it.

The car ride was silent for the most part and I thanked God for it. I do not feel like talking as we make our way through the countryside. The grass was green, the sky was blue and it was all bathed in the yellow light of the sun. It was postcard perfect which was the complete opposite of how I felt sitting here next to a human ice machine that knew how to drive. As we pulled into Abbott County, he put my hand in his and gave my cheek a kiss. I was pleasantly surprised and kissed his cheek back. I could finally smile at him.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he said as he rubbed his thumb up and down my knuckle.

"Don't worry about it."

"I just can't believe it."

"You can't?"

He looked at me and gave me sad eyes. He picked up my hand that he was holding and kissed it. A very gentleman thing to do; I smiled. My smile would be short lived because we pulled into Maycomb all too soon and of course our house is on the way into town so I didn't give myself enough time to prepare myself for what lay next: coming face-to-face with Atticus. I prayed he was stronger than me.

He wasn't; he was the first thing I saw when we pulled into the driveway. He was sitting on the swing, looking blankly out into the universe with a hankerchief in hand. Fuck, he was a wreck. What else did I really expect?

"Atticus!"

He looked at me when I called out to him. I was in such a hurry to get out of the car now that I wasn't paying any attention and whacked my head off the car door. I can't even tell you how many times I've done that but this time I broke out and cried over it. Hank rushed over to me and gave me hug. I buried my face into his shoulder because I was embarrassed about what had happened and the fact that I was crying in front of Atticus.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" He asked as he took my face and kissed the side of my head that I whacked it on.

"She's okay, Hank," Atticus said as he made his way over to me. "Come here, baby."

I melted like butter when he called me baby. Why was I so afraid of him? Did I forget how easy it was with him? I flew into his arms and I let him hug me. I looked at his more or less stooped frame and his bloated knuckles thanks to his arthritis and realized what a strong man he really was. He was going to be okay and knowing that made me feel okay and I didn't care where that came from.

"I'm okay, Atticus," I said once my tears finally stopped.

"I told you that you were."

"You're okay, too," I said as I let go of our hug and take him by his hands. His poor hands. "You're going to be just fine. I'm here now."

"I missed you," he said to me.

I took his face in my hands and we kissed each other's cheeks before hugging again. I had my father back and it felt amazing. I heard a car pull up and stop but I was too busy hugging Atticus to care.

"Hey, there's a taxi here," Hank said.

That made me turn around and Atticus let go of me as we both studied who it could be. I saw a blond haired man in a long sleeve shirt and beige pants. I gasped out loud; Dill Harris!

"Hey, everyone!" He called out, waving his suitcase at us. I ran as fast as I could down the driveway as he set down his luggage and picked me up as soon as I landed in his arms. He kissed me on the lips just like he used to and it felt so unbelieveably good.

"You son-of-a-bitch," I said as I slapped him on the arm. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Same reason you're here. Plus, I wanted to see you."

"You don't know what this means to me. Oh, Atticus..."

I turned around and saw that I had more company than I thought outside watching me: Aunty was watching me with her hands on her hips and stomping her foot, Uncle Jack was there with that sinister grin of his, Atticus just stood there shocked while Hank looked like he was ready to kill me or Dill or both us. I looked down to see my legs still wrapped around Dill's waist and I immeadiately got down. I was quick to note that nobody's facial expressions changed after that.

"Dill's back in town!" I hollered despite the scene.


	3. Stuck In The Middle With You

**A/N: So since I'm already breaking my own rules, how about I break some more? That being said, I think you will be happy to see Miss Maudie alive and well for this piece! I think I can speak for everyone and say that she was missed in GSAW.**

"What's going on over here?"

I would recognize that woman's voice anywhere: it was Miss Maudie Atkinson! I turned around and looked at her with the big smile. She put her hand to her heart when she saw me and began to get teary-eyed. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and it was so nice. I breathed in her fresh fragrance of her own flowers and some sort of drugstore perfume I couldn't readily identify. I grew up thinking that she was what a woman should always smell like.

"Look at you," she said, giving my cheek another kiss. "You look so beautiful."

"Compared to what?" I asked.

"Hey," she said as she stepped back to look at me. "Thought we talked about this and that you weren't going to do that anymore."

"You're right."

Needless to say, growing up with Aunty on my tail all the time didn't give me a shot in the arm of confidence. Miss Maudie was really a guiding light along with Calpurnia during my teenage years. I have a lot to thank her for and I love her very much. I watched as she noticed Dill standing next to me. She got a funny look on her face that I couldn't help but laugh at.

"I know I know you," she said as she looked at him up and down.

"Does the name Dill Harris mean anything to you?"

"Oh my God," her mouth dropped. "You're the little boy who stayed with Miss Rachel?"

"Yes, ma'am, that's me," he said with a cocky smile.

"Well, I'll be," she said as she pulled Dill into a hug. I giggled as I rubbed Dill's hair, don't ask me why I did that. I looked the other way when I heard the screen door slam. I noticed Hank's frame as he walked back into the house. Atticus and Uncle Jack were sitting on the swing and Aunty, well I don't know where she wandered off to.

"Can I have a hug now, Maudie?" Uncle Jack asked, calling from the swing.

"Hug yourself!"

"Nice to see some things never change," I comment as I take her by the hand and lead her up the steps.

"Honey, I will stay on the porch with you all but I'm not hugging your uncle."

"I don't care if you do or don't. You coming, Dill?"

"Right behind you all."

"Dill, honey," she asked as we made it up to the porch. I took a seat in between Atticus and Uncle Jack on the swing while Miss Maudie and Dill took seats on the nearby patio furniture. "Where are you planning on staying?"

Geez, I didn't think about that. Aunt Rachel and her house were both gone due to fire. It happened when I was fourteen and he must have been fifteen. He wrote to me and said that he badly wanted to come back to Maycomb to pay his respects but his mother refused. I was pissed off for him; that woman did an awful lot for Dill during his childhood summer days and then once she got settled in New York it was like she wanted him to forget all about this place.

"Oh," Dill began. "I'm sure I can just stay up at the Inn downtown."

"Well, I won't have that. You will come stay with me."

"You sure?"

"I've got a lot of spare rooms, dear. I would be happy to host you."

"Well, thank you very much."

The thought of him being so close to me made me happy. I think Atticus was happy to actually see me smile because he put his hand on my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. I took his hand and held it for a while. That felt really good.

"How are you today, Atticus?" Miss Maudie asked.

"Better now that I have my Scout," he said as I rested my head on his shoulder.

"That's nice," Miss Maudie said with a warm grin. She meant it.

"Hello," Aunty had said as she came back out on the porch.

"Hello, Aunty, how are you?" I asked.

"Just fine, darling. How are you?"

"Good, thank you."

She took my breath away when she called me darling. The last time she called me that was when Jem and I were attacked by Bob Ewell. It was times like these when her genuine soft side would show up and not make me feel warm but really uncomfortable.

"Supper is ready if you all would like to eat. Dill, you and Maudie are welcome to join us. I've made plenty for everyone."

"Why thank you, ma'am," Dill said as we all got up.

"Yes, thank you, Alexandra," Maudie said.

I made a detour for my bedroom because I knew that's where Hank probably was. Sure enough, he sat there on my bed with a sour-puss look on his face, the little twirp. I cupped his face and gave his lips a kiss as I sat on my bed next to him.

"I could tell you missed me," I teased.

"I could tell you didn't miss me," he replied, not teasing.

"Oh fuck off," I scoffed. "I can't be happy because an old friend showed up?"

"You were a little too happy your old friend showed up."

"Hank, there is no reason for you to be jealous about Dill. Dill loved Jem as much as you do and he cares about me just as much as you care about me."

"Really? If he does then I think I have my reasons to be wary."

"Hank, I promise you, Dill is not here to cause any trouble. He is here because he loved Jem and he wants to be here for my family. Dill's a good guy."

"Well," he humpfed as he got up from the bed. "I guess I have no choice but to take your word for it. Are we going down to dinner together?"

"Yes, we are," I said as I got up and took his hand.

All the way down the stairs I had thought about how differently I actually had reacted to both of them. I dreaded seeing Hank at the airport while you would have thought I had no human contact for years when Dill showed up in the driveway. I guess it really shouldn't have been so easy with Dill but it was. I looked up at Hank and got the shivers. I guess it was scaring me to see him acting so jealous. Why couldn't he just let me be happy?

We walked into the dining room to the sight of everyone gathered around a platter of roast chicken, mashed potatoes, cornbread, and collards. There were two empty spots next to either side of Dill.

"Saved you two some seats," Dill said with a smile as he scooped mashed potatoes onto his plate.

"Thank you," I said as I took the seat to his left.

"Thanks," Hank grunted as he took a seat to his right.

"Here," he said as he got a scoop of potatoes and plucked it onto my plate.

"Gee, thanks," I giggled.

"Want more?"

"No, thanks."

"Here, take what you want," Dill said as he passed the dish to Hank.

"Thanks," Hank grunted again.

Dill just looked at me and gave me a smile. I couldn't help but smile back at him. He really was making it too easy for me to be in his company. I forgot what a laid-back, goofy guy he was. He rested his hand on my thigh and rubbed it discreetly. I got goosebumps when he did that and I took it as a bad sign. I immeadiately took a heaping bite of my mashed potato.

"You liked that, huh?"

"Sure do," I said as I pointed to my mouthful. What the fuck, I knew he wasn't talking about the food...


	4. I Can't Make You Love Me

Hank had already gone to get ready for bed by the time Dill and Maudie were ready to leave. I was shocked to hear at the dinner table that both Hank and Atticus were going back to work tomorrow. Well, Atticus not so much, I guess but Hank? I don't know; Hank grew up worshipping the ground he walked on and apparently still likes to think he's got to do whatever Atticus wants to do. I couldn't help but look at Dill again and think about how he was with Atticus growing up. Sure, he had plenty of respect for him but he knew better than to put him on a pedestal. Dill is smart like that.

Hank waited until it was just the three of us in the kitchen when he decided to leave. When he finally excused himself for the night, he bent over and kissed my neck. I was embarrassed and Dill couldn't help but notice. How could he not? I could feel the redness form on my face.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked him as his lips found their way to my cheek. Of course it was a cheek kiss, he always did that to me when he wanted to non-verbally tell me, "ha, ha, gotcha!".

"Kissing you goodnight now while I'm still awake," he said as he kissed my lips. I begrudgingly kissed them back.

"There," I said, defiantely. "You got your goodnight kiss, good morning kiss and your afternoon delight all in one sitting."

Dill couldn't help but chuckle at what I said. That just made Hank mad but he was trying his best not to show it. I knew him too well, though. I watched him as he went over to shake Dill's hand.

"Thank you for being here for the family," he said. I could've thrown up.

"My pleasure, I guess," Dill said as he shook his hand. "Jem was always like a brother to me."

I could tell Hank's blood was ready to boil when he said that. There was nothing wrong with what he said; it was true, Jem was like a brother to Dill.

"Yeah," he said with a grunt. "Me too."

I couldn't tell you how happy I was to finally see Hank exit. I was ready to cry but I was not about to cry in front of Dill. That will happen on Wednesday on the day of Jem's services. Dill looked at me and I tried to smile best that I could but it wasn't much of one. He put his hand on my thigh and gave it another rub.

"It's okay, honey," he said.

"Is it really?"

"I don't know myself anymore."

"Then why'd you say that to me?"

"Because I want you to be okay."

"If I can survive mama, I can survive Jem."

We both wondered who I was kidding. I could see that look in Dill's eyes that he wanted to say something but thought the better of it. That was when one tear did escape from my eye. Dill was going to catch it with his thumb but I wiped it away with my own hand before he had a chance to.

"Dill, are you ready to..."

Miss Maudie had walked back into the kitchen before I had a chance to regain my composure. She could tell that I was ready to or really had already started crying. She kneeled beside me and hugged me without saying a word. I did let out a little whimper and she kissed me.

"Honey, you're exausted. You poor thing," she said as she brushed my hair away from my face. "Are you going to be all right staying here?"

"Yes," I croaked out. "Why not?"

"Well, just in case being in this house is too painful for you. If it is, you are always welcome to stay with me."

"Thank you, Miss Maudie but I really think I will be okay here."

Miss Maudie was so sweet. It did cross my mind about what it would be like to spend the night here knowing that Jem would never sleep in this house again. I was going to have to get used to it though. Besides, how can I tell Miss Maudie that the real reason I was crying was because my "boyfriend" embarrassed me in front of my childhood friend? She kissed me again before she got up.

"You're a good girl," she said. "Now get up and hug me goodbye because it's time for Dill and I to leave."

I did so and I felt a thousand times better for doing so. Dill was smiling at me so I of course got a smile on my face. She let go of me and walked into the living room as Dill took my hand and we followed her lead. I watched as Uncle Jack and Atticus both hugged and kissed her goodbye. I looked at Dill and smiled again because their relationship reminded me so much of our own. Uncle Jack and Atticus then came over to Dill to shake hands and to thank him for coming. Uncle Jack kissed me and hugged me goodbye as he figured it was time for him to go home, too.

"Don't do anything stupid," he whispered in my ear.

"I'll try not to," I whispered in his before I kissed him again.

As Uncle Jack began to follow Miss Maudie out the door, I noticed Dill was still standing there. I thought about what Uncle Jack just said and I got a little nervous. Dill got the message though because he just gave me a friendly hug goodbye.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" He asked.

"Sure," I said. "Have a good night."

"You too," he said as he brushed my hair away from my face.

"Good night, everybody," Miss Maudie said once more before all three of them walked back to their own homes.

"Good night," Atticus and I said from the screen door as we waved to them. Dill never looked back and I sighed. I looked back up at Atticus who was smiling down on me. I smiled even bigger for him without effort.

"Hi, honey," he said as he kissed my hair.

"Hi, Atticus."

"You sure are pretty when you smile. You should do it more often."

He walked away from me then and I found that very awkward. I watched him as he picked up the Monday night paper, turn of the lamplight and presumeably head off to bed. I stood there at the door wondering what that was all about. I all of a sudden felt cold and began to wonder if I could survive tonight in this house. I breathed deep and soon followed Atticus' steps but to my own bedroom. Hank would have a fit if he knew I went to Maudie's house.

As I was settled into my room, I took my pants and underwear off, then my blouse, and then finally my bra. I dug through my suitcase and found a men's pajama top to wear to bed. I don't know why but sleeping in a man's shirt was the most comfortable thing ever. I wouldn't want to sleep any other way. I was startled when the door opened and I turned around to see Hank standing there.

"You know you can't sleep here with me," I said as I was still fiddling with my buttons. My God, the fit Aunty would have.

"I'm going to sleep in Jem's room."

"Why?"

"For the reasons why I can't sleep here with you."

"You going to be okay in there?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, then," I said, giving up the conversation. He began to walk towards me and I braced myself for his kiss that I didn't want. I could fake it good, though. I got that going for me.

"I love you, Jean Louise," he said as he put his hands around my waist.

"I love you, too, Hank," I replied with a smile. I really tried with all my heart to mean what I just said.


	5. Little Red Corvette

**A/N: Points to anyone who guesses correctly the classic rock song I'm alluding to in the beginning of this chapter!**

 _It was a beautiful day outside and I decided to be a part of it. I shut the screen door behind me and the old thing bangs shut as I happily walk across the porch. It's been a while since I've felt this good. I notice a red corvette pull up and to my surprise it was my brother, Jem, behind the wheel. I found it stange; that was not the car my brother drives. It hit me then that I shouldn't be seeing my brother: he was dead for crying out loud! Did I go to heaven too? I've got to get back to Atticus and that's all I can think about as I begin to run towards the door._

 _"Scout," I hear my brother speak for the first time in a long time. "Come on! It's okay, I promise you're going to come back home. I just want to see you is all."_

 _I always knew my brother was honest to a fault most of the time so I felt I had no choice as his sister to take his word for it. I smiled as I ran off the porch and hopped into the shotgun seat. Jem put the car in gear and we were on our way. I don't know where we were going but we we were on our way. We passed our street, the main residential street in Maycomb and then merged onto Main Street and drove through our downtown area. I noticed a lot of people I knew and I waved to them but they never waved back._

 _"It's a town full of losers," Jem said as we veered off towards Old Sarum._

 _"I'm shocked to hear you say that," I said, honestly. "This town was good to you."_

 _"Like it matters, Scout."_

 _"It matters to me."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Because I had no idea you were so unhappy here, I guess."_

 _"Well, I wouldn't say I was unhappy here it's just..."_

 _"Shit gets old?"_

 _"Yeah, exactly."_

 _"Did you hate me?"_

 _"What the fuck kind of question is that? Would I come all this way to see you in your dreams if I hated you?"_

 _"I don't know," I said as I began to cry. I didn't know if it was my sorrow for my ghost brother or if it was relief that Jem didn't grow up hating me. Deep down it was always one of my biggest fears._

 _We were pulling into Barker's Eddy before I knew it. One of our favorite places when we were kids. I'm surprised Jem didn't dropkick me out of the car for some kind of after-death karma. I would have just sat there on the pavement and laughed. No, maybe I wouldn't have with the state of mind I'm in. I watched Jem as he parked the car, got out, and walked over towards me to let me out. He hugged me as soon as I was out and he felt so warm I began to cry again but I began to laugh at the same time. I don't think I could honestly say how I felt. Jem grabbed my face and kissed my forehead and I think my heart melted._

 _"I love you, Scout."_

 _"I love you, too, Jem. More than you will ever know."_

 _"I know," he said as he let go of me. I watched in silence as he walked back to his car._

 _"Where do you think you're going?"_

 _"I'm leaving."_

 _"You were supposed to bring me home!"_

 _"Well, all you gotta do is wake up!"_

That's exactly what I did. The dream that was so full of light and love left me feeling down and empty as soon as I woke up. I knew it was going to be a hard rest of my life without my Jem by my side. I looked at the clock on my wall and it read six-thirty. Still early but maybe I could take a bath before Atticus and Hank had to get ready for work. I took my night shirt off before I got out of my room and walked down the hallway stark naked. I didn't even let the water run before I hopped in and it felt freeing to let the water brim up beside me. It got hot, leaving some pink on my body, and it felt great. I turned off the faucet with my toes and let my head slip under. I stayed that way because it was a wicked sensation and the feeling of being under was a comfort. I like to think this was how Jem felt when he let go; actually I pray this is what he felt. I close my eyes and say a prayer for my brother that soothes my spirit even more. I opened my eyes to find Hank standing over me. I jumped as I realized he screamed my name. He pulled me up by the shoulders until I was standing upright.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Taking a bath," I breathed.

"Jesus, you looked like you were ready to drown."

"Maybe I was."

"Don't even, Jean Louise, don't even. Atticus doesn't need this right now."

"What about you? How would me drowning affect you?"

The bathroom got really quiet and I got nervous. Hank inhaled sharply and came toward me. I slinked back a little bit but he grabbed me by the chin. I was afraid of what he would do next but he just kissed me hard on the mouth. It didn't feel nice.

"I would be absolutely devastated."

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

I just shrugged my shoulders when he asked me that. What, was I supposed to tell him the truth? I'm sorry you seem to love me more than I love you? Maybe it was worse than that: we didn't love each other at all.


	6. Reckless

"What was going on in this morning in the bathroom, Jean Louise?"

Of course Aunty would begin to ambush me as soon as Hank and Atticus left for work. She knew Atticus was too raw to deal with her treatment towards me so she's going to save it for when he's out of sight. I know the little games she plays by now.

"Hank just freaked out over nothing, Aunty," I told her as I gulped down my coffee.

"Jean Louise," she sighed with a hand on her hip. "Ladies don't gulp their coffee, number one. Number two, I think he has good reason to be upset over you: you lost your brother."

"All I was doing was taking a bath and I dunked my head under the water and he was acting like I was ready to commit suicide."

"Wouldn't be the first time," she shot back. I shivered and almost peed myself when she said that. "Don't look at me like that, Jean Louise. You couldn't possibly have forgotten that time when you were eleven or twelve and you climbed up that water tank because you thought a kiss made you with child."

Why did she just do that to me? What in her "perfect" christian brain made her think it was okay for her to bring that up and rub it in my face? Jem, looks like you're going to have a double funeral tomorrow if I don't watch it.

"Aunty," I said, quietly. "I was a little girl back then."

"Darling," she began. Oh boy, here we go again with "darling."

"Aunty, please don't," I said as I got up and began to walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To Maudie's."

"I hope you are going to see her and not Dill."

That made me turn around. Did she really just tell me that I couldn't see Dill? My childhood friend and the one person who would make me feel better right now? Oh, this was it. I really am going to Maudie's after she just told me I couldn't. What was she going to do? Call the cops on me?

"Aunty," I said, defending myself a little louder this time. "Dill is my friend. I'm going across the street to see my friend."

"Jean Louise, I've never been a supporter of your relationship with Henry Clinton, knowing where he comes from, but honey, it doesn't seem right to be in a relationship with a man and then going to see your other male friend."

"Exactly! Dill is a friend who also happens to be a male. There is nothing wrong with what I'm doing."

"This is the point I was trying to get across to you, young lady. You are reckless with your life."

"What?!"

"You are a lady, Jean Louise and you can deny it until you are blue in the face but in this society, in our town anyway, there is a moral conduct in which women behave. Not even secluded to women, but to everyone in this town. You just seem to have no common moral conduct."

"Miss Maudie is home," I said as I got close to her face. "She will be there to make sure everything is morally correct. You can even call her to check if you'd like. Now excuse me so I can go see my friend."

I turned my back to her and that's the way it stayed. She didn't call my name nor did she run after me; I knew she wouldn't. She won though: I began to cry as I walked across the street and I'm sure Aunty was looking out the window at me. How dare she be so cruel to me? I don't know much about aunt and niece relationships but from what I know, this is not how they should treat one another. Just as I got to Miss Maudie's front porch, she was walking out with her watering can for her flowers. She looked at me and immeadiately dropped her watering can to come over to me.

"Sweetheart," she said as she gave me a hug. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," I replied. I don't know why I just couldn't tell her the truth.

"You're tired," she said as she kissed my head. "You're just tired. Why don't you go lay down?"

"What's going on out here?"

"Uncle Jack!" I gasped as soon as I found out it was his voice. Sure enough it was him standing at the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Jesus Christ," Miss Maudie groaned. "Well, she knows now."

"She don't know nothing!"

"You're standing there with your fly unzipped, jackass!"

"My name is Jack _Finch_ , thank you very much," he said as he zipped up his pants. I didn't know whether to die of shock or laugh my ass off at that point. I always thought I knew more went on than I thought between them but wow, way to find out your instincts were right all along.

"Honey," she said as she grabbed my hand. "I'm so sorry you had to find out like this."

"It's okay, Maudie. Hey," I whispered in her ear. "Button your dress. Your bra is showing."

"Oh well," she said as she took a look at herself. "I'll be damned."

Both Uncle Jack and I laughed hysterically at her reaction to her rather unbuttoned dress. I had to leave it to them for being the ones to make me laugh at a time like this. I walked into the house and hugged him.

"Are you all right, honey?" He asked as he tightened his grip on me. His breath reeked of alcohol already.

"Not as good as you are," I told him as I kissed his cheek.

"You sounded upset a few minutes ago."

"Just Aunty being her usual self."

"That explains a lot."

That was when I heard someone upstairs slam a door and begin to walk down the steps. All I saw was a pair of bare legs, and then a glimpse of boy's boxer shorts and then a slim top frame of a man. It was the body of Dill Harris and I couldn't help but be impressed. He must have not noticed I was there because he looked at me wide-eyed as he reached the bottom step. He looked down at himself, turned pink, smiled and brushed his hair back with his hand.

"Hey, honey," he said to me.

"Hey," I said. This was very awkward.

"What you showing off for, son?" Uncle Jack asked. "Don't you know of any other single ladies in this town?"

I couldn't help but smile and neither could Dill. Dill finally went back upstairs to throw some clothes on but my smile never left my face. Aunty was right: I apparently have no moral conduct. I figure I can't help it though. I looked back at my uncle who gave me a concerned look.

"You don't love Hank, do you?" Uncle Jack whispered in my ear

"I don't know," I whispered back.

"Is it because Dill's here?" He again whispered in my ear.

"I don't know," I whispered back, once again.


	7. The Power Of Love

It was hard to tell my Uncle Jack the uncertainity I had been feeling. I couldn't deny that my brother's death just the other day had broken my life open. I suppose that's what death does to people: you just begin to question everything that once was. I can already feel my life splitting from "With Jem" to "After Jem". This realization and this unfolding was scaring me to death but I knew deep in my soul that there was nothing to do but to feel it as it happens. There is no fighting my mind and there is certainly no fighting what I cannot change.

I was just as excited to see Dill the second time around when he had clothes on. I ran up to him and hugged him while he hugged me tighter. I may not know much but I know that it feels good to have someone here to help me through this. No condensation, no advice; he just wanted to be here for me. He never said anything like that but he didn't have to; I knew my Dill. I watched as my Uncle Jack left the room with that still concerned look on his face but I didn't care. It was not his responsibilty to save me from myself now.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" Dill asked me, finally.

"A walk? Where to?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "We can always cut through the backyard and through the woods if you'd like."

"Sounds great. I'm just going to tell Miss Maudie and Uncle Jack because I promised Aunty that this is where I'd be."

"Okay."

"No need to tell me," Uncle Jack said out of nowhere. "I'm going back over there anyway, I'll tell her then."

"You're not going back over there to light into her, are you?"

"No," he said as he came over and patted my back. "Alexandra promised me some food for Rose Alymer."

"She's still hanging on?"

"Yes, thank God. Here, come give me a kiss."

He actually kissed my lips. That was very uncharacteristic of him to do that and I was somewhat shocked. He knew it but he just grabbed my face and laughed as he walked away. Talk about being broken open.

"That was weird," Dill said as soon as the front door shut.

"I love him but he is weird," I agreed.

"Shall we go now?"

"Yes, please."

I giggled as we made our way out the back door. It felt like we were sneaking out but I guess we pretty much were. It was another beautiful day and I felt truly grateful for it. I forgot how enchanting a walk in the woods on a sunny day is. A walk in the city at night with the skyline lights doesn't compare to what Dill and I were expieriencing right now.

"Remember those days when we would play Tarzan and the Apes?" I asked Dill as I took him by the hand.

"I was just thinking about that," he said as he took both of our hands with his other. I smiled at him and rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my temple as I realized we were getting closer to my old school. That was when a cardinal swooped down out of nowhere, cawed in my face and had me hitting the ground in fear.

"You're okay," Dill said as he got down on the ground with me. "It was only a bird."

I felt embarrassed and I looked around only to realize that we were both sitting where Bob Ewell attacked me and Jem all those years ago. I choked and got goosebumps thinking about how at the exact moment we reached this spot did that cardinal swoop over me. I started to cry and I buried my face in my hands. I stayed that way for a couple of minutes and when I finally did look up again, Dill was sitting by my side. Dill sat there and let me cry and he was there until I was ready to stop. I felt I owed him something.

"I never really told you the whole story of what happened that Halloween night, did I?"

"What made you think of that?"

"Where we are sitting, right here, is where it all happened."

"Oh," he said, turning a little gray. That wasn't going to stop me from saying what I needed to say.

"He went after me first," I began. "He knocked me down on the ground, first. Jem hollered for him to leave me alone and when that didn't work, he kicked him in the crotch. His penis was hard, Dill, his penis was hard."

"He didn't actually..."

"Nope. Jem fought him just in time and Boo finished him just in time. That's not even the sick part."

"Oh, God..."

"Remember how I wore my costume home because I couldn't find my dress?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I don't know Mr. Ewell managed to get a hold of it but when Mr. Tate brought it back to us, there was a big white stain on the crotch of my dress. Calpurnia was actually the one to notice it because she gagged when she saw it."

"Whatever happened to Calpurnia?"

"She got the rheumatoid arthritis right after your Aunt Rachel died in that house fire. Atticus pretty much had to let her go and then Atticus was diagnosed not long afterwards. Because of Cal, he knew it before the doctor even said anything."

"Have you heard from her?"

"No."

"Do you think she knows Jem died?"

"I don't even know if Cal is dead or alive, Dill. Even if she is alive, I'm not going to go over there and be the one to rub it in her face. I still love her but I feel like I don't need her, you know? I'm sure that's the way she feels about me. It's better this way."

"Well, if that's the way you feel and that's the way it should be."

"You're the only one who's making me feel like I have a brain, lately."

"You always had a brain and you always knew how to use it. I'm talking about your heart."

"My heart?"

"Scout," he said as he put his hand to my head. "You've got to stop thinking with this and start thinking with this."

That was when he put his hand to my heart. I instinctively pulled his hand away because it was in between my boobs. That aside, I knew exactly what he was talking about. That piece of advice coexisted with my epiphany back at the house. Actually, Dill wasn't giving me advice but _permission_ to feel; to question; to grieve; to mourn. I hugged him around the neck and he hugged me around my waist. Why did it take my childhood friend that I rarely talked to, to tell me everything I needed to hear?


	8. Skin

I spent that whole afternoon with Dill outside as if we were little kids again. Once we were out of the woods, we headed to the schoolyard to find a rather newly installed swingset and indulged in some little kid fun. I still liked to go as high as I could and my momentum still picked up great. How I wished to jump off mid-air and have Jem catch me! It wasn't until I would come back down and watch Dill go up that I decided maybe the earth wasn't that bad. The time when I decided I didn't want to swing anymore was the moment when Dill jumped off his swing in mid-air only to land flat on his face. I roared with laughter; it felt amazing to do that.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I got up and walked over to him. I knew he was okay: he may have been still lying there but he was laughing right along with me.

"I think I'll survive," he said as he rolled over to face me. I smiled at him which made him smile at me. The wind began to pick up and it was a very refreshing break with this early summer humidity. My hair began to go crazy in the breeze and Dill took the liberty of brushing my hair back from my face. He sat up after a while of playing with my hair and he gave my cheek a kiss. I'm sorry to say I cringed a little bit. I put my arms around him as I looked up over the treetops only to discover the goddamn water tank. Aunty's hateful words began to rang in my ears as I lowered my head onto Dill's chest.

"I can tell you've been drifting in and out of your mind all afternoon," Dill said. "What are you thinking about right now?"

"Everybody's worried I'm suicidal," I practically whispered.

"Well," he kind of chuckled. "I wouldn't go so far as to say suicidal but yeah, honey, we are worried about you. You lost your brother and you were very close to your brother."

"I never told you this either but I almost committed suicide when I was eleven. Some girls from Old Sarum tricked me into thinking that I was pregnant and the night before I was due to give birth I walked up to the top of the water tank over yonder and was ready to jump."

Dill looked up at the water tower and I watched him shudder. This was why I never told him. I remember how I didn't even think of him when I was about to jump. Now that would really break his heart.

"What made you come down?"

"Hank," I said with tears in my eyes. "He was working and his boss saw my climb up the ladder. When he couldn't find Atticus, he got Hank."

"And I never knew it," he muttered as he shook his head.

"Please, don't be mad at me, okay," I pleaded. "I was embarrassed and now that I'm older, I realized how much pain I was about to cause. I will never put my family through that again."

"I believe it."

"You're not mad?"

"There's nothing to be mad about. That was the past and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Let it go."

I returned his cheek kiss. Why was he being so unbelievably kind to me?

"Want to go back to Maudie's?" He asked me as he got up.

"Sure, we've been out an awfully long time, I feel," I said as I got up myself.

"You got sunburned," he said as we cut back through the woods.

"Did I?" I asked, checking myself out. "Oh man! There's nothing worse than living in the south with fair skin! I wish I could tan as easily as you can."

"I always thought you had nice skin."

That caused me to smirk. I've been noticed for my boobs, butt and legs but never for my skin. It was a much more romantic comment, for sure. I put his hand back in mine for the remainder of our time in the woods but made sure to let go once we hit Maudie's. Lord knows who may be watching? As we rounded the corner, I noticed Maudie had another guest with her on her porch. I gasped out loud when I noticed who it was.

"Atticus!" I hollered. "What are you doing here?"

"Hello, baby," he said with a smile as he waved a fork at me. "Maudie made some cake. Will you have some with me?"

"I'd love to!"

"Cake for two, coming right up!" Maudie announced as she went back inside to get pieces for me and Dill. I practically skipped up the steps and had a seat next to my father. Dill took the spot on the other side of him and it wasn't long before we were both presented with big plates of Lane Cake for each of us.

"Thank you," Dill and I told her at the same time. That made us both look at each other and giggle.

"You two have been spending the day together I take it?" Atticus asked with a smile to match ours.

"Yes, I've had a great day," I said as I took a bite of cake. It was delicious as always.

"What about you, Dill?" Maudie asked as she took a seat for herself.

"It really was a great day," he agreed.

"You got sunburned, sweet," Atticus said as he took his last bite of cake.

"Yeah, I noticed," I replied with a smirk.

"What are you smiling for?" Maudie asked with a smile of her own.

"She's just happy, Maudie," Atticus said.

"Yeah, I am," I agreed as I took another big bite of cake.

"Now don't eat too much cake because dinner will be soon," Atticus warned me.

"Okay."

"Hank told me he wanted to see you after dinner tonight."

"What for?"

"Ask him."

I just shrugged it off. I looked at Dill who just smiled while he kept eating his cake. I'd much rather have cake with Dill than dinner with Hank.


	9. Nowhere To Run

The last thing I wanted to do was go home but I figured the day had to come to an end sooner or later. Atticus kissed Maudie goodbye and shook Dill's hand as we left. I kissed Maudie as well but I gave Dill a hug.

"Let me know how tonight goes," Dill whispered in my ear.

"I will," I whispered as I gave his cheek a kiss. "How I wish tomorrow would never come though."

"I know," he said as he ran my hand through my hair.

"Scout," Atticus' voice boomed behind me. I forgot he was still there for a minute. He was beginning to stare holes through me and my face began to get red.

"It's okay," Dill said to me as he began to rub my back. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Tears began to well up in my eyes as I looked at him one last time. I wish it wasn't so hard to leave him and I wish he wasn't such a comfort to me. I wish I could find the same comfort in Hank or from Aunty or even from Atticus; I guess they just don't understand like he does. I don't know how he knows but it just seems natural to him. It scared me to feel how unnatural walking across the street with my own father felt right now.

"I'm sorry," he told me as we got up on the porch. "I'm sorry I reacted that way but you shouldn't let him touch you like that."

"He wasn't doing anything bad," I said.

"Honey, Hank still very much wants to be with you. I think you owe him a little more common courtesy."

"Have you been talking to Aunty?"

"No but Scout, you got to start using your head when it comes to certain things."

 _Scout, you got to stop thinking with this and start thinking with this._ That phrase would probably ring in my ears for the rest of the night. My shock turned to anger as I realized that Atticus, my own father, was going against the very thing that brought me peace only so many hours ago. I walked through the house and into the dining room and felt stripped of everything that brought me back to life. I went from belly laughing to trying to remember to breathe in a matter of hours. I sat down next to Hank and he gave me another kiss I didn't want to return. Aunty served pork chops, homeade white bread and green salads in her silent smugness. I was asked to say a prayer; a real one, none of that, "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God!" I pulled one off without a hitch while we went back to silence as we ate our meal.

"Excellent meal, Sister," Atticus complimented.

"Very good," Hank agreed.

"Yes, thank you," I said.

"What's for dessert?" Hank asked.

"Don't you think that's a little rude?" I scoffed.

"Oh, it's fine, darling," Aunty said while I cringed again. "There's chocolate cake in the icebox."

"I'll get it," Hank said as he got up.

"Since when does he care about dessert?" I asked as I noted that Atticus and Aunty looked a little too happy about dessert time. In no time he was back in the dining room but there was no cake. I threw my hands up in confusion as his smile widened and he got down on the floor and...

"Oh, fuck you," I said as he presented me a ring.

"Jean Louise!" Atticus and Aunty screamed at the same time.

"Will you marry me, honey?" He asked.

I couldn't answer him. I looked at the beautiful ring, then at Hank's pitiful face, then at Aunty who is ready to cry because she never thought this day would come for her pathetic excuse for a lady niece and then at my father. Oh God, Atticus. I began to cry as I looked at him and then back at the ring.

"Yes," I choked.

"What?" Hank asked like he couldn't believe it. How could he not? He didn't really put me in a position to say no.

"You got me," I said.

Fuck me. The only sound was that of Aunty sobbing and I wanted so badly to stick a sock in it for her. Hank slipped the ring on my finger and kissed my cheek. He got up and walked away to Atticus where they exchanged a bear hug. This had to be the coldest wedding proposal ever and lucky me to be at the bride end of it.

"Time for that cake," Hank said as he again walked out of the dining room.

"Oh, I need to go to the sink and wipe my eyes," Aunty said as she followed him out the door.

I broke down and sobbed into my hands. What the hell was this? I felt Atticus' hand reach the back of my neck and he began to rub it. That didn't stop me from sobbing.

"Honey, it's all right," he said.

"You knew about this?"

"He asked me this morning. He's been wanting to ask you for a long time. Look at me, baby."

I looked at him.

"Give me a smile."

I gave him a smile.

"Give me a kiss."

I kissed his cheek and he kissed mine.

"It's going to be all right. You're going to be all right."

"Atticus, I really don't want cake."

"Well, you don't have to eat it. You want to go lay down?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you do that. I'm sure Hank will understand."

"Understand what?" Hank asked as he brought out the cake.

"I'm going to go to my room. I need to go lay down."

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yes, I'm fine," I said as I gave him a kiss for good measure.

"Well, of course you're fine," Aunty said as she patted me on the shoulders. "You're going to be a bride finally!"

"I know," I said rather sheepishly. "I'm going to my room to recover from all the excitement."

"I don't blame you. Come back when you're ready."

I thanked God she let me go like she did. I had my own phone in my room and I was going to call Dill there. I just had to get to my phone, dial Maudie's number and be able to talk. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Just breathe, girl, just breathe.

"Hello, this is Maudie Atkinson," Miss Maudie answered.

"Hello, Maudie, this is Jean Louise."

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yes. May I please talk to Dill?"

"Sure, he's right here."

I inhaled slowly and deliberately. I heard Dill ask before he got on the line with me if I was okay and Miss Maudie told him yes. I was relieved to finally hear him talk to me.

"What's happening, Scout?"

"I'm getting married," I blurted out as I began to cry again.

"To Hank?"

"Who else?"

"Don't cry, honey."

"I can't not cry, Dill."

"You're going to be okay."

"That's what Atticus said."

"Now I'm telling you. You're going to be one hell of a bride, I tell you what."

"You're going to come to my wedding right?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

The idea of my wedding didn't sound too bad anymore.


	10. Wildest Dreams

_"No!" I heard my little girl self scream. "Not that one! I want a pink one!"_

 _I opened my eyes, sat upright in my bed and there I was. I was standing there only in my underwear as Dill helped me pick out a dress. I couldn't keep my eyes off of the little girl who stood before me: she was a beautiful girl and I can't believe I didn't recognize her before._

 _"But you want white!" Dill protested, holding up the dress that I suppose he wanted me to wear. "Bride's wear white."_

 _"Well, I'm a bride and I want to wear pink!"_

 _"Okay," Dill huffed as he gave up and hung my white dress back on the rack. "But don't come crying to me when Hank divorces you!"_

 _"If he divorces me over that, he's stupid!"_

 _I couldn't help but laugh at this scenario playing out. I could have swore that this actually happened to me and maybe it did. I laid on the other end of my bed as I watched little Dill get up on his tiptoes and grab my pink dress. I giggled at the sight of him trying to help me put it on._

 _"You got to button me because I can't," little me told him._

 _"It's a good thing I can or I don't know what you would do," little Dill said as he did what he was told._

 _"Hurry up, Hank and Jem are waiting for me!"_

 _"I'm going, I'm going! There you go."_

 _"Good, now walk me down the aisle!"_

 _I laughed out loud when I heard my little self say that. I was a fiesty little shit! Little Dill took little Scout by the hand and lead her down the hallway. He was always there for me like that. I got up from the bed and looked down the hall where little Jem was waiting to officiate my wedding and little Hank was waiting to be my husband._

 _"Dum-dum-dee-dum," Jem began to hum loudly._

 _"Wait!" Dill hollered as he ran to the bathroom._

 _"Oh, come on, Dill!" Hank hollered. "I want to get married!"_

 _"Shut up!" little Scout yelled. I had to stifle my laughter but I lost it when Dill came running out of the bathroom with a white towel from the towel rack and put it over my head as if it were a veil. I watched as Dill took her by the hand and ran her down the aisle. Jesus, what a kid he was!_

 _"Have at her!" Dill yelled in Hank's face as he ran to the couch to sit down._

 _"Dearly beloved," Jem began as he cleared his throat. "We are gathered here today to celebrate this man and this brat..."_

 _"Hey!"_

 _"...In holy matri-matri-marriage! In holy marriage. Now do you, Henry Clinton take Jean Louise Finch to be your awfully wedded wife?"_

 _"Hey!"_

 _"I do."_

 _"Now do you, Jean Louise BullFinch take Henry Clinton as your lawfully wedded husband?"_

 _"How come you ain't picking on him?"_

 _"Do you or don't you already?"_

 _"I do, okay!"_

 _"Dill, do you have the Cracker Jack box ring for Scout?"_

 _"Yup," Dill said as he walked back to Hank with my ring and he stayed there while Jem proceeded with the rest of the ceremony._

 _"Now, Hank, put that ring on Scout's finger," he ordered._

 _"Okay," he said as he slipped the ring on litte Scout's middle finger of all fingers. "Can I kiss the bride now?"_

 _"No!"_

 _Dill said that, not Jem. Before I knew it, Dill grabbed little me by the face and kissed me hard._

 _"Hey," Hank said as he shoved Dill. "This is my wedding!"_

 _"I want to kiss her, though!"_

 _"Well, you can't!" Hank hollered._

 _"Yes, he can!" little Scout yelled as I shoved Hank._

 _"Don't shove your husband," Jem said as he shoved little me._

 _"Don't shove your sister," little me said as I shoved him._

 _"What's going on in here?" Atticus said as my dream began to fade out with all four of us yelling and shoving each other._

I woke up with thrust of energy and I sat up to see Atticus in the doorway. He looked at me rather concerned but I felt a smile on my face that wouldn't go away. I went to brush some hair away from my face but my hair was sticky and wet. I must have been crying and laughing at the same time.

"I woke you up, didn't I?" I asked, still smiling.

"I was already awake but yeah, I heard you laughing," he said as he came over and sat on the edge of my bed.

"I had a hilarious dream," I confessed. "Atticus, did we use to play weddings?"

"Once I remember," Atticus remembered with a smile. "By the end of it though, I didn't know if you were playing weddings or wrestling."

"So it really did happen? Funny, I dreamed about it."

"It's funny what occurs to you during times like these," he said, pretty solemn. The smile ran away from my face then.

"Are you okay, Atticus?"

"I will be," he said as he took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.

"It's okay not to be okay sometimes, you know?"

"Oh baby," he said with a laugh and a pat on my knee. "Thank you for giving me permission not to be."

"Anytime," I said as I took his hand in mine. I smiled but I couldn't help but think long and hard about what he said: permission...


	11. Free Bird

I fell back to sleep after that little conversation with Atticus. I didn't dream but it was still a satifying night's sleep. I woke up with a feeling of peace I hadn't had in a while; the kind you only can get from waking up with yourself. I walked over to my window and looked to see what kind of bird was cooing outside. I smiled when I realized it was a cardinal and began to wonder if it was the same one that swooped down on me in the woods yesterday. Keeping in spirit with the backroads, country superstition, I decided to say a prayer for my brother for the bird to deliver to him.

"Jem," I whispered at the bird. "It's Scout. I pray that you're in heaven with mama and watching over us. I love you and tell mama I love her, too."

I watched in awe as the bird circled around my window, looked right at me and tweeted. It was then that a blue jay came by and the cardinal flew with him to wherever he was going. No wonder my Grandaddy Finch told Atticus that he could shoot all the blue jays he wanted if he could hit him! What a bunch of jerks those blue jays are!

"Jean Louise," Aunty knocked on my door.

"Come on in, Aunty," I said as I stood up straight and crossed my arms. Defense mode.

"Jean Louise," Aunty repeated as she walked into my room. She scoffed at my appearance and I looked down to realize I wasn't wearing any underwear to cover my bottom half with. Oops. "Darling, I was thinking and, you do have something decent to wear today right?"

"Yes," I said, trying to remain calm. "I have a dress."

"What color is it?"

 _Red as the blood that no longer runs in Jem's veins._

"It's white and so are the flats I've chosen to wear."

"Sounds more like wedding attire than funeral attire."

 _Wedding. I've decided I've never hated a word more than I hated that one._

"It's the best that I could do. I don't think Jem would want me to wear black, anyway."

"Is that really what you think?"

"That is what I think. I think I could go dressed up in all the colors of the rainbow and he would smile."

"I wouldn't smile," Aunty said as she sharply exited my room.

 _Surprise, surprise. I really will wear a red dress to your funeral just to piss you off if you keep it up, Aunty!_

But I can't say that so I just go over to my suitcase that's been lying on the floor ever since I've got here and I pick up the emsemble for this horrible day. A normal pair of fruit of the looms, a white lace bra, nude pantyhose, and my white dress. I looked in the mirror and decided I looked pretty okay. I noticed Hank staring at me in the mirror and I felt kind of good knowing he was watching me.

"Do you like what you see?" I asked him as I turned around and walked over to him.

"Sure I do," he said as he hugged my waist and kissed me. "You look like a bride."

I couldn't help but laugh when he said that. I thought of my dream or my memory or whatever I had last night. Hank shot me a look of confusion which made me laugh even harder.

"Remember that one time when we played wedding and it was our first and last time we did so?"

"No."

A shiver ran through me when he answered with his emotionless, stoic no. My dream last night that I could have swore happened and Atticus pretty much confirmed did happen and Hank is telling me he doesn't remember it? He was my groom for God's sake. I wanted to ask him if he remembered since Dill kissed me before he could but I thought the better of it. I'm beginning to wonder if he does remember but won't tell me so. I wouldn't put it past him to be crazy like that. He was studying me again and I was waiting for him to say something.

"Did you bring a camisole?" He finally asked.

"What?" I asked as I looked down at the neckline of my dress. "No. Why would I? I'm hardly showing, Hank."

"Ladies don't show their cleavage at funerals," he said as he ran his finger down in between my breasts.

"I think I look nice," I said, cold as ice. I don't care who the hell he was to me, I did not want him touching me like that with such a condenscending manner.

"I think you do, too."

"Then why did you say that?"

"We're going to be married and you're going to be a lady in Maycomb. I just don't want people to get the wrong idea of you once we do get to that point."

"Well, I'm still Jean Louise Finch, remember that."

"You tell him, honey!"

"Atticus?"

I gasped out loud when I said his name. How long has he been listening to our conversation? Was he watching us, too? The way he came around the corner made me think that yes, he could have. I wondered what he was going to do but he just looked at me, smiled and gave me a hug.

"You look wonderful today," he said as he squeezed me as tight as he could. It felt good.

"So do you," I told him as I kissed his cheek.

"That's a really great tux, sir," Hank said as he patted Atticus' shoulder.

"And as for you," Atticus said with his lawyer voice. I began to tremble. "You can stay home today."

"I beg your pardon, sir?" Hank asked, shocked.

"I know Jem was your friend but he was my son and he was Jean Louise's brother. You not respecting my daughter means you have no respect for her brother, either. You will stay home today."

"I love her, though."

"No you don't; you love the power you have over her or the power you think you have."

"You don't undertstand..."

"Oh, but I do! I do. You couldn't make it anymore apparent than when Dill came to town. You couldn't stand the fact that my daughter had another man in her space."

"Here," I said as I took off my engagement ring and handed it to Hank. "I don't want it."

I might as well have slapped him across the face but I had to do it. I had no right saying yes to him in the first place. A part of me couldn't help but feel sorry for him, though. There was a lot of history between us and I was sorry it was all going to come to an end on such a sour note. I didn't want to hurt him even though he did hurt me.

"I still love you, Hank," I told him with tears already running down my cheeks. "I just don't think it's a good idea we get married is all."

"You had to wait until daddy came to save you to say that to me?"

"That's enough," Atticus said, trying to remain calm.

"You had to wait until my brother died to ask me to marry you?"

"I thought his death would soften you."

"Henry," Atticus said with a huff. I had all I could do not to pee my pants with what Hank just said. "I do not want you at my son's funeral. I want you to pack your bags and leave my house. Tomorrow I want you to go to the office before it opens and pack your stuff and get out of there. Don't do anything stupid because if I come home or to work to find it vandalized the police will be notified."

"Yes, sir," Hank said as he turned on his heels and walked away.

I could only stand there in stunned silence as Atticus looked at me. He couldn't find any words to say, either. That was when I heard a bird chirp and I looked out to see my cardinal looking in my window. Atticus turned his head to look to and he drew a breath.

"I'll be," he whispered.

"Forget mockingbirds," I said. "I think cardinals are my new favorite."

Atticus looked at me with amazement only to smile at me. I began to laugh as he rubbed my head. Oh, who cares if I still needed my daddy sometimes?


	12. How Great Thou Art

I sat in my room and waited for Hank to leave before I would move. As much I did not want my wedding or marriage to happen, I was shaken to the core by what had happened. The relief I felt had little to do with the nerves I had. Atticus had left me in my room by myself but I had no idea where he went to. I heard a car door open and I watched as I saw my father help Hank get his stuff in his car and I watched as Hank drove away. There was nothing warm about that send-off despite the fact Atticus helped him pack up. I took it as my queue to move. I was just at the door to meet Atticus when Aunty met me in the kitchen.

"My heaven's child," she said with a loud gasp.

"Oh, it's okay, Aunty," I answered as soon as Atticus walked in the door. "I'll be okay."

"Oh, I don't doubt that but I thought you would have sense to wear a camisole."

"Leave her alone, Zandra," Atticus spoke up for me as he shut the door behind him.

"Atticus, her dress is too low on her bosoms..."

"Sister," Atticus said with his hands on his hips. "You will respect my daughter today. I shouldn't have to say this again. I already told Hank not to come and I'm about ready to tell you not to come. My daughter needs love and support today and if you can't do that for her than you don't deserve to go to the funeral."

I had no idea what to think anymore. I had never seen Atticus act so protective of me and I certainly never seen him stand up to Aunty at this level. I guess I will decide later if I'm proud or scared of this new version of my father. Aunty had turned to look at me and I could only stand there to see what she was going to do next. She came right over to me and hugged me. As uncomfortable and cold her touch still was, I was grateful that she was showing Atticus and I that she was willing to do what she had to do to be there for her family.

"Thank you," I told her. As rough as it sounds, I wasn't ready to tell her I loved her yet.

"You're welcome, darling," she said to me as she walked away. I watched her as she took out her hankerchief and wipe her face. Our moment must have made her cry. Then I looked at Atticus and decided maybe he was the one who made her cry. I was about to ask Atticus what was up with him when I heard a knock on the door. It was Miss Maudie, Uncle Jack and Dill at the door. I smiled as I went over to them in.

"Hello, sweetheart," Miss Maudie greeted me with a kiss for my cheek. She had baked one of the biggest cakes I had ever seen and I took it from her as I kissed her cheek in return. "You look pretty."

"Well, thank you," I said, relieved that someone besides my father had something nice to say about my dress.

"How's my baby?" Uncle Jack asked as he kissed my cheek, too.

"Good," I replied as I kissed him back.

After Maudie and Uncle Jack made their way to Atticus, Dill just stood there in the doorway with a smile. I was waiting for him to say something but no words seemed to want to come out. He instead remained silent as he grabbed my face and kissed my forehead. It felt so sweet.

"Thank you," I whispered as I put my forehead to his.

"You really do look beautiful today," he said as he rubbed his nose in my hair. I began to laugh because it tickled.

"Jean Louise, honey," Miss Mauide called out. "Please bring that cake in the kitchen. It's a very special frosting that can't stand heat for a long time."

"Oh sure," I said as walked back in with the yummy cake. I couldn't wait to eat it.

"So we're all going together, right?" Atticus asked.

"Yes," Dill said. "I will drive."

"Thank you, Dill," Atticus replied.

"Ride shotgun, Atticus," I told him. "It's easier for you to get out of the car that way."

"I will," he breathed heavily. "Time to go get this over with."

It was my turn to breathe deep. I never, ever wanted to expierience Jem's death this way. It would be when we were both old and we were having so many health problems that we would take bets with who would go first. I would happily send him off at his funeral because he died at the right time. It wasn't happening that way; he died much too soon and without warning. It was like being a mouse and realizing that a hawk swooped you off into the sunset. As all six of us being packed into Atticus' car, I wondered not only if I could take my own grief but everyone else's as well. Everyone's anger, sadness and dare I say denial still over Jem's death was still cluttering my life and I wondered if it would ever fade. I wondered if this heaviness in my chest would ever fade. I wondered if this exhaustion in my soul would ever fade. I wondered if this break down would last for the rest of my life.

I could have thrown up when I saw all the cars that were parked outside the church. I decided that I really couldn't handle everyone's grief including my own. Tears began to swell in my eyes and panic began to set into my bones.

"I don't think I can do this," I blurted out loud.

"I think you can," Atticus said as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "You're going to be all right, baby."

"There's lots of love here for you, honey," Maudie said as she began to rub my arm.

"Okay, I'll do it," I said as I began to cry already.

"That's a girl," Uncle Jack said as he leaned over and kissed my cheek again.

I had to force myself out of the car to let everyone else out. I stood by the car and cried as Maudie, Uncle Jack and Aunt Alexandra piled out behind me. They gathered by the steps as Atticus caught up with them. I, on the other hand, couldn't move.

"Come here, honey," Dill said as he stood by me. I felt good enough around him to go to him. I fell into his arms as I continued to cry. "I know this is hard but I'm going to be with you, okay? I'm going to be here for you. I love you."

"I love you, too," I said as I kissed him. "I can never repay you for what you've done for me these past couple of days."

"That's the last thing I want you to think about."

"Kids," Atticus called out to Dill and I. "It's time."

"Okay," I called back. Dill took both of my hands and helped steady me as we walked up the stairs. I would look at him every other step and realize I could do it as long as I had him by my side.

"I can do it," I whispered to him once we made it to the entrance way. The tune of "Amazing Grace" was already ringing in my ears.

"I knew that you could," he said as he kissed my temple.

All eyes were on us as we made our way down the aisle. I was still holding onto Dill's hands despite my confidence. People who knew Hank made funny faces at us not because he wasn't there but because most of them knew I was his girl and here I was holding hands with Dill Harris. I looked back at Dill, looked down at my white dress, and found it funny how we were walking down an aisle together. To hell with what everyone else was thinking. I don't owe them anything and I never did. I was relieved to finally have a seat next to the most important men in my life now sitting next to me: Dill and Atticus.

Once "Amazing Grace" was over, the minister took over with a few words of his own. They were generically sad and sappy and not something Jem would have wanted. Jem hated to be sad himself and wouldn't want others to feel the same way. The way he would have wanted this would be to have it be a party with laughter and good friends. Again, I looked at Dill and thought maybe we had gotten it partly right. Dill had already begun to cry. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze and rubbed his knuckles with my thumb. It felt good to see that this small act of affection comforted him.

"At this time," the minister had said. "I would like to call on Jeremy's father, Atticus Finch, to share this stage and say a few words."

I watched as Atticus walked up to the platform to give his few words. I braced myself for what he had to say. It didn't help that I already melted at the sight of Atticus hugging the minister.

"Thank you all for coming," Atticus began. "I know this is an easy day for anybody. Jeremy has done a lot for his community in the short time he was here on this earth. I can atest that he was as touched by all of you as I'm sure he touched your lives."

"Some of you may remember that time when my wife died. At that terrible time, Jeremy was six years old and my Jean Louise, that beautiful woman in the white dress sitting next to me was only two years old. A lot of you thought it terrible that I was now burdened with these two little babies with my wife gone. Soon after and as time went by, I realized that these two babies were not a burden but a blessing. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to survive. I silently thank them everyday for giving me a reason to get up in the morning and giving me the strength to go on with trying to rebuild my life from that time."

"Now many of you wondered what would become of me now that I also lost my son. I'm still here, though. It hurts and it's going to hurt until the day I die but here I am. I remind myself that I have gone through grief before and I can do it again. I know I can survive and so can Jean Louise. I don't think I need to remind you all of what a tough cookie she is."

"If you sit there and wonder what you could do to honor Jem's memory, I think it would be to love and honor his sister. I know who I am to this county and I thank you all but my time will come up soon. There is no getting around the fact that I am an old man and I've done all I can do already. When I'm gone, there will be Jean Louise left and I want her to feel as welcome as you have made Jem and I welcome. Being kind and courteous to one another is something that I've always tried to instill within my children and I do believe, especailly Jem, took it to heart. Even if you feel like you can't be kind for yourselves, I ask of you as Jem's friends, do it for him. God bless."

I will never be able to stop crying. Everyone stood up in honor and respect as Atticus walked back to his seat. I hugged him tight as the choir filled the church with, "How Great Thou Art."


	13. Shake My Soul

I had completely shut down after Jem's funeral. I could walk, talk and think but I could not feel. The past few days since Jem died I had felt every emotion ten-fold from sadness, to anger, to happiness, to relief to sadness again and I made peace with the fact that I was going to be feeling all of it, but this was something else all together. How did I go from feeling everything at once to feeling nothing at all? I didn't know what to do with the numbness that seemed to consume me.

When we got home from the services, there were people at the door with food. We ended up with piles of delicious, wonderful food that I wasn't hungry for and even when I tried to eat, I couldn't taste. I ate only because that is what healthy people did and maybe if I pretended to be than I would come back to myself.

I excused myself to go outside in the middle of the gathering and I was told that it was fine. God had blessed us with another beautiful, sunny day and I wasn't surprised because Jem was the sun as far as I was concerned. I sat on the swing and wondered if Jem would have felt the way I did if our roles were reversed. I don't think of myself as a person who would bring out the sun but I think I could bring out the moon; I definitely have a knack for making people go crazy sometimes. Fuck, I know I'm crazy myself so no wonder then. Just as well to relate to the moon because the sun was not helping me feel better. All this being out in nature only left me with the knowing that nature was just carrying on with life and so was I.

"Hey," Dill said as he snuck up behind me on the swing.

"Jesus!" I screamed as I put my hand to my heart.

"I'm sorry," he said as he rubbed my head. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Hey, congratulations!"

"For what?" He asked as he came and had a seat beside me. "For scaring you?"

"Yes. I haven't expierienced a goddamn emotion for hours! You finally made me feel something!"

"Well, I wish it was a better emotion than fear."

"It's something, though. I'm open to anything because this feeling of nothing is horrible. What'd you come out here for?"

"To tell you something."

"Do you have to go?"

"No. I meant to tell you that I was wandering through Aunt Rachel's property and her fishpool is still there."

"Really? I thought they cemented that all up after the fire."

"No, it's still there. Come on, I'll show you."

I got up and took Dill's hand without saying a word. Us sneaking off to the fishpool was like us going back in time to when we were kids. When Atticus, Cal or even Jem were getting too overbearing for me, Dill would take me off into his world when I needed to escape the most. He always knew when I needed him and obviously his radar had never faltered in that regard. I couldn't help but realized how much had changed as we went over to Aunt Rachel's vacant property and where her memories lie on the burnt foundation where her house once stood. I said a prayer for her as we went by. When we got to the pool, I looked in the water to find myself and then motion pictures of me, Dill and Jem played out in the water's reflection and I could only stand there in awe and wonder. I felt a trickle of water stream down my face while the other eye watered. I was crying before I knew it and Dill was there for a kiss on my cheek.

"Want to get baptized again?" He asked. That made me laugh.

"I'd love to," I said as I wiped my eyes. "No kidding."

"Well, get in," he said as he put his hands on my hips and helped lower me into the surprisingly cool water. "How do you feel?"

"Fine but don't go all Holy Ghost on me and don't ask me to get naked!"

"I won't," he said with a hearty laugh. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to plug your nose?"

"No."

"Dear Lord," he said as he put his hand on my head. "I'm here to baptize Jean Louise Finch. Make her feel, make her whole, make sure she knows she's loved. May your light shine down on her."

That was when he ducked me. I couldn't tell if it was pressure from the water or if there was a rock there Dill didn't see but whatever it was, it hurt so good. I breathed easy under the water like how I was told to do and I opened my eyes to see the sunlight shine down onto where I layed in the water. I felt at peace but once again I was pulled out too soon. It was Dill this time though and he wasn't yelling at me or scowling at me; he was silent and smiling. He took my face in his hands and kissed my lips as his hands began to rub my head

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

"Did I hit my head?"

"Yeah, on a rock I didn't see. I'm sorry."

"I knew I felt something."

"Jesus Christ, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Dill, I'm okay. I promise."

"What the hell do you kids think you're doing?"

Uncle Jack appeared out of nowhere and it caused both of us to gasp. He was standing there with a wine glass in his hand and wine on his shirt. God, he looked like a bonafide mess.

"We were just playing, Uncle Jack," I said. Dill winced; that was not a nice way of putting it. Man, I must have really went back in time if I thought that was a suitable answer.

"What are you all wet for?"

"I was baptized, Uncle Jack. Dill did it," I laughed. I decided this situation couldn't have been anymore ridiculous. Uncle Jack looked at Dill who still looked shook up about being caught and then looked at me again and then looked down at himself.

"Fucking A!" He whooped and roared with laughter. "Aren't we just the most sorry looking fuckers Maycomb County ever saw!"

I began to laugh right along with him and Dill finally calmed down and joined in. I thought of Jem and how much he would have appreciated this moment if he were in it. Uncle Jack stumbled over to me and hugged me so hard I thought we were both going to end up in the fishpool. I really would have never stopped laughing if that did happen.

"Oh, I love you, baby," he said as he kissed me hard on the face. "Never change."

"Likewise."

"And as for you," he said with a change of tone and a charge toward Dill. He scared both of us when he did that. "Why don't you marry her? You're the only goddamned guy who never wanted to change her. You're just as much of a goddamned gem as she is!"

"Did you really just call me a "Gem", sir?"

"Oh, right," he said as he paused to look down at his wine glass. I could tell by the look in Dill's eyes he wished he never brought that comment up.

"Anyhoo," he said as he bounced himself back up and slapped Dill on the shoulder. "I think you should consider. I'd pay for the whole goddamn thing myself! At least, I can afford to help you elope..."

"When Scout's ready, sir," Dill finally replied.

"Good man," Uncle Jack said as he slapped his arm again before walking back to the house. Again, I had to laugh at the madman that was my uncle and Dill did the same. I walked up to Dill and kissed him on the cheek.

"That was a good answer," I told him. "Thank you."


	14. Paper Roses

_"Let's run, Scout!" Jem hollered._

 _"Where are we running to?" I hollered back._

 _"Nowhere," he said as he appeared to me. He had to have been ten all over again. "We're going to run because we can."_

 _"Okay," I agreed._

 _By that time, Jem was already sprinting ahead of me. I looked down at my legs and thanked God that I was a little girl again; at twenty-six, I can no longer run like I used to. As I put myself into motion, I'm amazed at the speed I'm going. I don't know if it was because I know I'm dreaming or if I'd forgotten how good at running I was but man did I feel good. I can feel myself shake off stress with every next step I took and the closer I got to my brother, the closer I was to feeling free. My run ended as soon as Jem took a pause at a flight of stairs._

 _"What are we doing here for?" I asked him._

 _"Don't look up and take my hand," he said._

 _"Okay," I said as I put my hand in his without asking why. I just simply walked up the steps hand-in-hand with Jem in silence. I had full trust in Jem whenever he would come to me in a dream. I felt he was coming back to help me deal with my life without him. I felt incredible comfort and gratitude in the fact that he did not leave me, just the opposite: he was here for me. I gasped when Jem opened the door and I found out that we were going inside the church. There was nobody there except us but I had a strong feeling that we shouldn't be there._

 _"Let's run," Jem repeated._

 _"Down the aisle? I don't think..."_

 _It obviously didn't matter what I thought because Jem began to run with my hand still in his and I had no choice but to run with him. I looked at the church pews as we went by to find that one by one they were being decorated with deep purple roses and white garland by forces unknown and unseen by me. Once we reached the last pew up in front I glanced up to see an altar that wasn't there before decorated with a white linen tablecloth and blue roses. Blue roses? I've never seen anything like that before._

 _"Do you want one?"_

 _"What?"_

 _"Do you want a blue rose?"_

 _"Where did you get these, Jem? And how did you know that was what I was thinking about?"_

 _"Well," he said as he snipped off a blue rose for me. "You see those purple ones over there?"_

 _"Yeah," I replied as I looked back at the pews._

 _"Every rose color has a story," he said as he went over to the pews and picked a purple one for me to. He ended up placing a purple one in my hand first. "Purple means love at first sight and I've never stopped loving you, Scout."_

 _"I'll never stop loving you, either."_

 _"I know that," he said as he cradled his hand on my cheek. "They also mean that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you so soon and I'm sorry I caused you pain. Please forgive me."_

 _"You don't have to apologize to me for anything, Jem. You had to go. I know you would've stayed if you had the choice."_

 _As I was saying what said to him, I realized that I truly was never angry at him for dying. The moments of anger that I felt were towards Hank and Aunty and even Atticus for not making me feel free to grieve and make myself better the way I wished. Jem then handed me the blue rose as he kissed the same cheek he rested his hand on._

 _"There's a reason why you don't see these," Jem began to explain. "These are not a natural color for a rose. I made these especially for you."_

 _"Well, thank you. I think they're beautiful."_

 _"These mean that I will always be with you right here."_

 _He pointed to my heart and I shook my head with understanding. I cried because that's where we were now and until we are reunited in spirit, that's where he forever will be. I cried at that epiphany and he kissed my cheek again._

 _"Scout," a young Dill called out for me. I smiled through my tears at how cute he looked standing there in his little tuxedo. I looked down at myself again and realized that I was in a white communion dress; the kind good, little Catholic girls wear on one of their special days._

 _"He's waiting for you," Jem said with a smile. "Come take my hand."_

 _I once again did what I was told without saying a word. Dill smiled wide when he saw me come up to him with Jem. I couldn't help but laugh all the way back to the altar where Dill embraced me in a hug._

 _"I've been waiting for you."_

 _"That's what Jem said," I said as I turned around to face my brother. "You can leave now if you have to go."_

 _"All you have to do is say the word," he said as he grabbed my face for one last kiss. "You're going to be okay, Jean Louise Finch."_

 _"Make sure you come back."_

 _"I'll come back. I promised you I wouldn't leave you. I love you."_

 _"I love you."_

 _He had disappeared before I knew it and then I all of a sudden felt that I shouldn't have told him to go so soon. Dill tapped me on the shoulder and as I faced him, I felt all right again. Dill pulled me into another hug and I was happy._

I woke up in a sprint. My heart was racing and my soul was fluttering as if it had wings. I knew what just happened there: Jem was giving me away! What else could that have meant? I had to go see Dill right now. I had to talk to him. Thank God for my teenage years to teach me how to escape from my bedroom window in the night without getting caught. All I had to do after the window climb was run across the street and climb Miss Maudie's tree. I hadn't climbed a tree in years but with my adrenaline at a boiling point I might just have the stamina to pull it off. Once I got up to the tree, I looked up and said a prayer and by God, I was going to do it.

"Jean Louise Finch," someone said my name as I got a quarter of the way up. It was Dill. "What the fuck are you doing? Are you okay?"

"How long have you been out here?"

"For a while. I couldn't sleep and I wondered who that was running across the street. I was about to wake up Jack and Maudie. Jesus, are you sure you're okay?"

I finally let go of the tree and crashed to the ground with a mighty thud. I got up easy enough and decided that I didn't break anything. I was able to run up the steps and into Dill's arms. He embraced me hard as I collapsed into him. I was right; at twenty-six, my body doesn't work like it used to.

"Hey," Dill whispered in my ear as he kissed it. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to get married. To you. I miss you. Will you say yes?"

"Honey, why don't you have a seat and a breath? I know what your uncle said but you're still in mourning and I want you to have a clear head before you go making desicions like this."

"I had a dream, though. You and I were in church clothes, at an altar, Jem gave me away to you. If this isn't what I want than what is it?"

"Jem gave you away to me?"

"Yes. He brought me to you; he told me that you've been waiting for me; he waited for me to be okay before he left."

Dill looked at me in disbelief. I wouldn't say in a condenscending way but in one of those miracles-do-happen sort of way. Tears brimmed his eyes and he pursed his lips and he got really quiet. I breathed deep as I waited to see what he would do next.

"I do love you, Scout. I never stopped loving you."

"So will you marry me?"

"Yes, honey. I will marry you."

I flew right back into his arms and hugged him tight around the neck. We kissed each other hard on the mouth before Dill spun me around. I saw a light flicker in the foyer of the house and then saw Uncle Jack appear with Miss Maudie right behind him. They looked back at each other and smiled.

"She said yes," Miss Maudie said. "Didn't she?"

"No," Dill replied. "I said yes to her."

"She asked you?" Uncle Jack asked, surprised.

"Yes, I did," I replied.

"That's my girl!"

He just about busted the door down in order to get to me. I didn't have time to get down on my own before he pretty much tore me away from Dill. I don't know where his energy came from but it was contagious.

"I think you broke my door, you asshole," Miss Maudie said.

"I've got enough pension money to fix it, you old bitty!"

"What's going on out here?" Atticus asked as he came across the street. "You all are making enough noise to wake the dead."

"Dill and I are getting married, Atticus."

He just stopped and stared at me in a way I've never seen him do. I got really nervous as I seriously never took into consideration what he might think about it. I had just broken up one engagement with his help and here I was getting myself into another potential pickle.

"Go ahead, Atticus," I said. "Say what you want."

"Dill," he said with his lawyer voice. Oh, no. "If you're anything like Hank, so help me God!"

He was happy. I breathed and then laughed as my father gave me a hug on that very porch.


	15. Every Rose Has It's Thorn

"I'm surprised at you, Atticus," I remarked once we came back to the house and I was back in my bed. Silly to be honest, there was no way I was going back to sleep anytime soon.

"And why would you feel that way?" Atticus asked as he pulled my blankets up around my chin.

"That you took so well to mine and Dill's desicion to get married."

"Listen, sweet," he said as he took a seat on my bed next to me. "You may be a lot of things but an actress you are not."

"Good thing I never wanted to be one, then."

"Honey, when he came back, you came back. That twinkle in your eye was gone for the longest time, way before Jem's death, and he gave it back to you."

"I'm sorry I never felt that way about, Hank."

"Jean Louise..."

"No, listen, please," I said as I patted his hand.

"Go on."

"I did love Hank. I really did but I always knew he loved me more than I loved him. I felt really bad about his life and how hard he had to struggle and even though I never made it easy for him, I tried to give him what I thought he wanted. I had gotten to a point where I thought I couldn't do it anymore but when Jem died, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I just didn't want to hurt him."

"He wanted to hurt you, though."

"It certainly seemed that way."

"It was that way. Honey, believe what I say: he never loved you; he loved the _game_ of you. He thought once he had you that he would be closer to me and he would be closer to the higher social status of Maycomb County."

My father's words cut me like a knife and left me winded. Atticus must have known what he was up to for years. Why didn't he stop him before now? How could he let me carry on in a relationship that was as blatanly toxic as Hank made it out to be. God, it hurts when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you once were.

"If anything, you surprised me," Atticus continued with a glint in his eye. "I thought you were stronger than that. That night when he asked you to marry him, the night before your brother's funeral, that's when I needed to help get you out. I couldn't bare the thought of you being hurt for the rest of your life by him. It broke my heart to see the desperation and the hopelessness in your eyes when he presented you that goddamn ring. I tell you what hurt the most, though."

"What?"

"When I was up later that night thinking about what I should do to help you and I heard you laugh."

"I thought me laughing would make you feel happy."

"It was the dream you had. I remember that play wedding like it was yesterday. Dill pushed Hank out of the way so he could kiss you first. I knew that's what made you happy and it killed me."

"That and Jem was being a jerk."

"You'll have to forgive him," Atticus said as a grin came back to his face.

"I already have. Hey?"

"Hey what?"

"I may regret asking you this but how much of that conversation that morning did you hear?"

"All of it."

I shivered at how cold and cruel he was that morning. I can still remember the touch of his finger between my breasts; it makes me feel dirty. No one has ever made me feel dirtier than he did and you know you're no good when you beat Mrs. Dubose.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that, Atticus."

"I think I can say it was the last straw for the both of us."

"I'd say so. Atticus, how did Maudie, Jack and Dill know not to say anything about that?"

"You must had fallen asleep but Maudie called me to let me know how upset Dill was..."

"He was strong on the phone."

"Well, he can be an actor, then. Anyway, she told me about how you called him crying and then he was in his room crying. Jack asked him what was wrong and Dill told him and then Jack got even more upset. Your Uncle Jack may not be right in the head but he is my brother and I tell him everything, honey."

"No doubt," I said. I wasn't surprised by that; I was surprised to hear how Dill was so upset. It made me feel sad and glad at the same time knowing how much he really did care about me.

"I told her to tell them to hold tight because there wasn't going to be a wedding. I knew Hank and I knew if he pulled anything the next day, I told her not to be surprised to not see him around. She watched him drive off the next day right before she came over. Besides, they all knew the most important thing was to help you get through Jem's funeral and that's what they did."

"I have some amazing people in my life."

"I'd say so, sweet."

"You're one of them."

"You're one of mine."

"I love you," I tell him as I reach out for a hug. He happily obliges.

"I love you, too, baby," he said as we kissed each other's cheeks. "Never change."

"Yeah," I said, breaking our embrace. "That's what Uncle Jack says."

"He's right. You should listen to him. Goodnight, Scout."

"Goodnight," I replied as I turned over in my bed. I listened for the door to shut and when it did, I heard Aunty ask Atticus what was going on in my room. I listened as Atticus told Aunty what had happened tonight.

"Oh, good Lord," she said with a doom-and-gloom pitch in her voice.

I just laughed.


	16. Close

Life didn't stop being hard just because I was engaged to be married the man that I wanted. If anything, my emotions became more intense and more unpredictable. With the prospect of my new life with Dill, there were decisions and plans that needed to be made before we even got the ball rolling on our wedding. All of them were harder on me than I thought.

Where were we supposed to live? Do we stay in Alabama? Do we move to New York? Do we run off to Europe? I knew deep in my soul that I just simply couldn't leave Atticus. I felt he needed me here; I wanted him to be sure that I was okay and that I was going to be here for him until he was ready to let go. As much as I knew this was the right choice for me, it was hard because I learned to love being independent in New York. I loved the anymotity of being just one in the crowd, making my own money, coming home to my own space; things like that. Dill told me that he believed too that my choice was the best choice and as long as I was okay living here, that he would be okay, too.

The most emotional part about that? When it was all over and I had called my boss to tell him that I was not coming back. He was relieved; not because I was a bad employee but the fact that he planning on laying me off once I had come back. He simply had too many unnessecary secretaries. Bastard, I thought, you would lay me off right after my brother died! At least he wired me my last paycheck and with that and a little help from Atticus, I was able to pay off the last of my rent and utilities and New York. I thanked God I took everything with me when I came back down here so I would have to go back up there. It would have been to heartbreaking to go back.

So what was I to do in Maycomb? I was going to work for my father, of course. I became his secretary and helped him with his phone calls, appointments, and taking care of the books. I felt needed and appreciated here and I actually enjoyed going to work. My office was Hank's old office and maybe in some weird way it made me work harder. There is no better revenge than doing better. Yet, there was no forgetting that Jem had worked here, too. Sometimes Atticus would go for a little walk downtown on a break and that's when I would go into Jem's office. His office was left untouched and it had Jem's charm of uncleanliness. There were scattered papers and briefs everywhere but I didn't dare pick them up. His briefcase laid next to his empty chair and I would pick it up and put it up to my face. It smelt just like him and it was overwhelming. I had to take a seat and cry while holding that stupid briefcase to my heart. Atticus would never know the dozens of times when I would allow myself to grieve in our very own workplace.

Then there was our wedding to consider. Weddings are granted to be emotional in any ordinary circumstance but it was a given that mine would be extraordinary. I didn't have a mother to guide me but I had an Aunty to drive me insane. Once her first intial shock wore off, she was in full wedding planner mode and I was in disgust mode. She asked me what color flowers I wanted and I told her blue and purple.

"What on earth do you want those colors for?" She asked in a huff. "Do you know how hard those colors are to come by?"

I wanted to tell her that they were Jem's colors but she didn't deserve to know that.

"Because that's what I like," I finally replied.

"Well," she said as she wrote herself a note. "I guess it is your day. Now what about bridesmaids?"

"Bridesmaids?"

"Yes, bridesmaids."

"I didn't think of any."

"Well, darling, don't you think you should? Would you like to have a coffee so you could be reacquainted with the other girls in the community? Maybe that would help you see who you would like to be in your wedding."

"Last I knew Dill wasn't going to have groomsmen so I think it would be kind of ridiculous for me to have a bridal party."

"Well, you do have a point," she said as she made herself another note. "It is your day."

If I had a dollar for everytime she kept saying that. The one thing that she absolutely was not going to let me get out of what me and Dill having a church wedding. We have gone to that Methodist church since we were old enough and that's where my special day was going to be. I just agreed and rolled my eyes once she was out of sight.

"What about you taking me wedding dress shopping?" I asked.

"I want you to see Maudie first," she replied.

"Why?"

"I think she may have a dress you would like to see."

Later that night I did take a trip to Maudie's. Curiosity had killed this cat and I was dying to find out what Alexandra was talking about. What dress did she have in mind? Probably was her own but I would like to see it anyway if it was.

"Why, hello, honey," she said as she opened the door. "What brings you here?"

"Is Dill around?"

"Not at the moment."

"Is Uncle Jack around?"

"Not at the moment."

"Okay," I said as I finally stepped in. "Aunty said you had a dress for me here. For my wedding."

"Oh, sure," she said. I could tell she was getting apprehensive. "Go up to my room. It's the first door on the right upstairs and I will meet you in there."

"Okay," I said as I made my way up the stairs. Maudie was following me but I didn't turn around to look at her. As I stepped into her bedroom, I shut the door as I heard Maudie keep walking. What I found in her room was her neat-as-a-pin bedding with red roses on the comforter. Roses. There was a full length vanity mirror attached to a make-up table that I couldn't help but investigate. Maudie never wore make-up unless she was going to an event so I was surprised to see all the lipsticks, mascaras, and face creams that she had. She had a bottle of eau de toilette that she wore since the beginning of my time and I couldn't help but open the bottle just for a whiff. It was definitely her and then there was a more expensive looking brand bottle of perfume called "Close." It smelled like a perfume you wear to have sex and I'm sure she wore this when Uncle Jack came over. Funny how I also remember her smelling like this when I was a kid and it was always on Christmas break when he was in town. Way to put two and two together, Scout.

"I have the dress here, honey," Maudie said as she knocked on the door.

"Just a second," I said as I scrambled to take my clothes off. I was too busy looking through Maudie's stuff to remember what I was here for.

"Take your time," she said.

"It's okay," I said as I opened the door in my bra and panties. "I'm ready now."

"All right," she said as she took me by the arm and lead me back to the mirror. I studied the dress that she tenderly unbuttoned in the back. It was a white satin dress with lacy long sleeves and a high, lacy neckline.

"Come on, honey, step in," she said. I did what I was told and she gently helped me get my dress into place. I held my breath as she buttoned me up but then I exhaled when I realized the dress was going to fit me just fine. I looked at myself in the mirror and I smiled back at myself. I liked the way I looked.

"Oh, sweetheart," Miss Maudie cried. I turned around to see big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. "Look at you."

"I love it," I said as I hugged her. "Thank you for lending me your dress."

"Honey," she said as she took my face in her hands. "This is your mother's dress. I've had it for years."

"Why do you have this?" I was shocked.

"She gave it to me right after my husband died. She said I would need this dress more than she would. I guess she was right. God, look at you."

I shivered as I realized I was the closest to my mother I had been after so much time. I was standing here in her dress and I felt like what she must have felt like. I held Miss Maudie as we both cried.


	17. River Of Dreams

As time went by, the less I worried about my own grief; it was Dill I was beginning to worry about. He had been so wonderful to me since the very beginning with coming here to Maycomb to see me through to Jem's funeral to now accepting to be my husband. Although a part of me whole heartedly trusted what Jem was trying to tell me through my dreams I couldn't help but wonder if I sprung this on him all too soon.

How was he doing with his own grief? He seemed just as shattered as I was by Jem's sudden death and if I know myself, this was going to be an equally hard road for him. That thought made left me with a feeling of astonishment of him; how strong he must have been to help me when I was broken when he was left in a million pieces himself. After all these years he really does still love me and I love him, too. Now that I feel stronger I am going to help him. There wasn't going to be a shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind that we weren't meant to be together.

It killed me to know how right I was about his bereavement path, though. One night I was awake in the middle of the night with Dill on my mind. A rush of panic surged through my veins and I was desperate to see him. I once again snuck out my bedroom window and ran across the street to find him crying on the porch swing. Even though he cradled his head in his hands the whole time, he still knew it was me. Who else would be crazy enough to run across the street in the middle of the night to check on him?

"Hey," I said as I crouched down in front of him. "Are you okay?"

"I will be," he replied.

"Tell me about it," I said, trying to coax him out of his temporary funk. "Tell me everything."

"I had a dream," he would begin as he finally picked up his head to wipe his eyes.

"What happened in your dream?"

"It was our wedding day. God, you were the most beautiful bride I ever saw, I swear."

"Well, wait until you actually see me," I said. I shouldn't have been interrupting him but anywhere I could try to find humor, I would use it. I was always told laughter was the best medicine.

"He took you away from me though."

"Who took me away?"

"Who do you think?"

"Hank!?"

I guess until that night I had never stopped to think about how uneasy the thought of him marrying me so soon after my break-up would be for him. It hurt me to think that he was afraid Hank was going to come back and hurt him. God, I knew I was selfish but not to that degree.

"It's not him I'm worried about."

"Dill, Hank is not coming back. Hank knows that once Atticus stands his ground he doesn't falter and besides, everyone knows he's friends with everyone in our police force..."

"Did you not hear what I said? I said it's not him; it's Jem!"

"Jem!?"

"I was all set to kiss the bride when Jem came running up the aisle without a word, took you by the hand, and ran you out of the church."

My own dream came flooding back into my memory. Why would my brother show up to me and connect me with Dill only to go to Dill and disconnect him from me? It didn't make any sense.

"It's not the jitters, Scout," he said. "If I could marry you right this very second, I would. I don't know; it just scared me because I don't know what your brother is trying to tell me. Well, I think I know but I don't even want to think about it."

"Thinking about it and talking about it is the only way you're going to get over it."

"I'm afraid of losing you, too. I want you to be all right."

"I'm going to be all right, Dill."

"You can't promise me that. Jem didn't wake up that day and not think he wasn't going to be here."

"You're right," I agreed. His truthful words left me winded. "You're right."

"I'm still going to marry you, though."

"Why?"

"Because I'd rather marry you only to let you go than not marry you and for the rest of my life wonder what could have been."

"God," I breathed. I was so overwhelmed by emotion that it hurt my chest. "You really do love me, huh?"

"Of course I do," he said as he put his arm around me. "I never would have been here if I hadn't."

"You know I love you, too, right?"

"Of course."

"Well," I said as I laid my head on his shoulder. "Next time my brother's being a jerk, just punch him; I would."

"Why don't I just tell you to punch him?"

"Yeah, that would work."

That made us both laugh. It was good to hear laughter coming out of Dill. I picked my head up to see him smiling back at me and all seemed right again. I kissed him gently on the mouth, then his cheek and then his neck. I shivered as he began to do the same thing to me. His love felt so good and kept me warm on Maudie's porch until the Alabama sun broke.

A/N: Again another Billy Joel song companion chapter. Feel free to listen to "River Of Dreams" while you read this.


	18. Turn Me Loose

I didn't want to go back to my house to have breakfast but I knew Aunty would have a cow if I didn't. Then again, she was going to have a cow anyway because I was planning on telling her the truth about where I was. I was a twenty-six year old woman who spent the night with her fiancee, biblically speaking or not. Nothing happened but Alexandra Finch Hancock was always famous for making something out of nothing.

I walked right into the kitchen and there she was preparing sausage gravy. The smell of biscuits baking in the oven filled me with warmth while Aunty was giving me the cold stare. I decided to be a bitch and smile at her.

"Good morning," I said with a fake, cheery voice as I took my usual place at the breakfast table.

"Young lady, where were you last night?"

"Miss Maudie Atkinson's house, ma'am."

"Why?"

"I think you know why."

"Mr. Dill Harris?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Goddamnit!"

I actually jumped back in my seat when she shrieked that obsenity. She took the slightly over-done biscuits out of the oven and slammed them on top of the stove. The slamming of the biscuits caused some of the sausage gravy to spill out of the pot and it landed right on the sleeve of the dress.

"Ouch!" She screamed as she winced in pain. I could have cried when I saw the pained look on her face as she headed over to the sink to run cool water on her arm. I got up from the table and headed over to the hall closet to grab a hand towel for her. As I went back to give it to her, she didn't take the towel but instead nudged me away.

"Please leave me alone, Jean Louise," she said with a coldness in her voice that almost made me pee my pants.

"I'm trying to help you," I said, trying not to lose my cool again. I already began to regret feeling sorry for her.

"You can help me by staying away from me. My God if you were my daughter I would..."

She caught herself but I knew what she wanted to say; the damage already had been done. She was ready to tell me that if I were her daughter she would have kicked me out of the house. Aunt Alexandra always had a way of making me feel like nothing but man was this morning already taking the cake. That old feeling that never really left me came back: I wanted to hurt her as badly as she wanted to hurt me.

"Aunty," I began. I was going to hurt her by making sure I didn't leave her alone. "Nothing happened last night. We were just talking."

"I think that's all that boy ever did was talk," she said with an icy tone and glare. "He's going to marry you? What in the world does he do to support himself? How are you supposed to be taken care of?"

"Dill is still going to school to become a lawyer," I replied. "He got held back because of the war but he only has one year left and he can easily transfer here to finish. AU has already accepted him in their law program."

"That does not answer my question," she said. "How does he support himself? It costs money to go to school and not everyone is as lucky as you to have their family pay for them to go."

"I know," I said. "He never had a steady job but he picks up temporary part-time jobs whenever he can. He also has the military to help him with his schooling."

"A marriage does not survive on part-time."

"Well, I'm full-time. I have no problem picking up some slack."

"Only thanks to your father. If it weren't for your father I don't know where you would be."

"Not here with you."

There I said it. I can only take so much before I hit someone below the belt right back. Aunty stepped back with a gasp. I don't feel sorry for her; she had it coming.

"Tell me, Aunty. Where would I be right now if Atticus had died and Jean had lived? I have a feeling you wouldn't have anything to do with us if my parent's roles were reversed."

"Children need their mother."

"They need their father, too."

"Only to be there for financial support and to give them away at their weddings."

"Well, I'm glad you and Uncle Jimmy never had any daughters. I can only imagine how they would turn out seeing as Henry and Francis are the way they are."

"That'll do Jean Louise," Atticus said from another room. I was waiting for him to show up. I looked with a sort of horrified silence as he slumped into the kitchen. All the while the thought of me never standing up for myself in front of Aunty made me feel quesy. My heart was ready to beat out of my chest as he stood next to me.

"Sister," he said as he put his arm around mine. "I've heard everything and you ought to be right ashamed of yourself."

"Brother..."

"No. I've warned you once and I'm not here to warn you again because this is a promise: you will not be involved in my daughter's life anymore."

"Brother..."

"Zandra, I'm too old and have been through too much; Jean Louise is too young and had been throught too much. I've told you already that if you cannot accept and respect my daughter for the way she is that I would cut you off from her. I should have done this a long time ago."

She gave a sigh of anger and threw the hand towel in the sink. She walked past me and scoffed at me as she untied and took off her apron. She stopped at Atticus though and I could tell she was going to speak her peace whether Atticus cared to hear it or not.

"All these years that I've wasted," she sneered.

"You brought this all on yourself."

She gave me one last evil eye before she departed. Atticus gave me a hug which I felt only suffocated me even more.

"Atticus," I breathed into his shirt.

"Yes?"

"I need to go back to Maudie's; I need Dill. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," he said as he released me. "Go ahead."

I gave his cheek a quick kiss as I ran out of the house and across the street. I saw Dill show up at the door as I stomped up the stairs. My heart was still going a million miles an hour with my nerves not far behind it. I collapsed into Dill's arms as I tried to breathe.

"I had to come here," I wheezed as Dill stroked my hair with a free hand. "Atticus kicked Aunty out of the house and I don't know what to do."


	19. Head Over Feet

Dill was silent as he moved me into Maudie's living room and onto her sofa. I will always be grateful for the fact he knew when to keep quiet. As much as I needed him, I needed silence, too. Enough words had been uttered today already and unless I or someone else had words to help the other make the situation better, silence would remain golden to me.

"What happened?" Dill finally asked. This was a helpful start; I will accept this.

"I went back home and she was in the kitchen making breakfast like I knew she would be. She asked me where I was and I replied that I was here and I saw you. She freaked out."

"Freaked out? How? She didn't hit you or anything, did she?"

"Not with her fists but with her words. God, her mouth can cut like a knife."

"Well, what did she say?"

"That I was a disgrace, pretty much. She said if it wasn't for my father that I would be nothing. She didn't exactly say it like that but that's what she meant. She apparently doesn't think our wedding is a good idea."

"What? Why not? Is it because I'm not Hank?"

"Hey!" I shrieked as one does when they have a lightbulb moment. "You know what? You're right, you're absolutely right! I never made that connection before but you're right. You are not Hank. You don't want to own me or change me; you just want to love me. Dill, you are the most horrible man ever. How dare you love Jean Louise Finch?"

I went crazy. The realization made my head spin and made my body want to move. I walked over to the victorian-style window in the middle of the living room and ran my fingers through my hair as I watched Aunty drive off in Uncle Jack's car; he must have picked her up. Where was she going to stay? With him? Was she going to live with Henry? Was she going back to Finch's Landing to herself? I began to cry. This was not what I wanted to happen and I couldn't help but feel it was my fault. I turned around and faced Dill who just sat there scared like he didn't know what the fuck to do.

"How dare you love me?"

"I do love you," he shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"You should be sorry. Look at me, Dill. Do you see this woman? Do you want her?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I'm crazy enough to realize you are enough, apparently!"

"Jean Louise Finch," Miss Maudie's voice rang from upstairs. Shit, I must have woken her up. "Get your ass up here!"

I swallowed hard as I looked at Dill. Dill just met me in the eyes with silence and I looked at the staircase as I intuitively made my way up the steps. What the fuck was I doing? I was already breaking my own rule about not saying a word unless it was helpful and kind. I looked up to see that she was waiting for me at the top step and she grabbed me by the shoulder as I met her there. Without saying a word, she lead me into the room where I had tried my mother's dress on and sure enough, the dress was still laying there. Does Dill know it's here? Does he know what it looks like?

"Take your clothes off," Maudie finally said as she shut the door behind her.

"What?"

"You heard me; do it."

Her voice was assertive, not agressive. It was enough to make me do what I was told. I took my pajamas off and she took the dress in her hands and unbuttoned it. I watched as she scrunched it up and offered for me to climb in it.

"Did you alter it or something?" I asked as she began to drape the dress over me.

"No," she replied as she began to button my back up.

"Then why are we doing this?"

"Because you are going downstairs wearing this. I want Dill to see this."

"Isn't that against the rules for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding?"

"Honey," she said as she turned me around to face her. "I'm not doing this for Dill to get his rocks off; I'm doing this because I know once you see the look on his face when he sees you for the first time, you will understand how much he wants you."

"I hope I didn't ruin anything first."

"Just take a deep breath and show the guy what he's in for, all right?"

"All right," I agreed as she took my face and kissed my forehead. I went back to the staircase, took my first step and swallowed hard. It helped me to know that Maudie was right behind me. I just hope she's going to prove herself right. Dill was not in the living room which left me dismayed.

"Dill, honey, where are you?" Maudie yelled.

"In the kitchen."

"Jean Louise and I are coming in then."

"Fine."

My heart began to beat faster and faster as we got closer and closer to the kitchen. Dill was at the stove preparing what seemed to be sausage gravy of all things. I gave Maudie the signal to be quiet; I knew what I had to do.

"I'm sorry, honey," I told him.

"I'm sure you are," he replied. He didn't turn around.

"Look at me, honey," I said.

Dill turned the dial to simmer and prepared himself to look at me. When he saw me he jumped back with a jolt. I couldn't help but giggle at that. He rubbed his eyes and when he took his hands away from his face, I could tell he was unsuccessfully trying not to cry. Oh my God, his eyes said it all: right here, the way I was right now, was everything he had ever wanted. How did Maudie know this was all it took?

"Oh," I said, extending my arms out for a hug. "Come here, you big baby."

He came over to me all right. His arms were around my waist before I knew it and he kissed my cheek so gently it was like a butterfly could have landed on it. I kissed his cheek back as I hugged him around the neck.

"I love you," I whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too," he said as he kissed my cheek again.

Just as I turned around to thank Maudie, I gasped to find that Atticus had been standing there for sometime. He had his arm wrapped around Maudie and he had sad eyes and a smile.

"How long have you been there?" I whispered.

"Long enough," replied Atticus.


	20. The Breakfast Club

What started out as an escape for me turned into a big family breakfast. Dill whipped up a big batch of biscuits and sausage gravy while I went upstairs to change. Uncle Jack was in the driveway by the time I had come down the stairs. We met in Maudie's foyer where he hugged me and told me that Aunty was staying there for the day and not an hour longer; she would go back to the Landing tonight.

"She might clean my house by then," he reasoned. That made me laugh. His arm never left my side as we made our way into the kitchen.

"You missed it, Jack," Maudie said as she poured coffee for all of us.

"I miss a lot of things, my love."

"No, Jean Louise came downstairs in her wedding dress. You should have seen sweet Dill's face," she beamed. Dill turned red and I'm pretty sure I did, too. Atticus just sat there and tried not to cry. Poor Atticus, I think it was too soon for him to see me in mom's wedding dress.

"God, help her if it was yours!"

"I beg your pardon, John Hale Finch?"

"You were sexy as hell."

"Jack, please," Atticus said.

I couldn't help but laugh and I caught Dill shaking his head with a smile. I looked back at Atticus and was thanking God that look of despair left his face. I could deal with his look of disgust thanks to Uncle Jack and Maudie but I just can't deal with the despair face. I took a seat next to him at the table and kissed his cheek. He returned mine as soon as we were seated and Maudie gave us the queue to hold hands.

"Miss Jean Louise, will you do the honors of saying grace?" she asked. "You are the reason everyone is here now."

"Sure I will," I agreed. "Dear Lord, thank you for our food; thank you for giving us Dill because he made the food; thank you for the good times during a bad time and thank you for the love in this kitchen. Amen."

"Amen," everyone else repeated quietly.

I couldn't wait to dig in and eat. After this morning, I needed all the comfort food I could stomach and with the first bite, I knew Dill cooked this with love. I noticed he was looking at me while I was eating and I flashed him a smile. I blushed when he returned it. His love filled me up.

"Mmm, Dill," Maudie said as she wiped her mouth. "How did you learn how to cook like this?"

"Aunt Rachel."

"I should have known."

My mind wandered to that one Christmas where I socked it to Francis for calling Atticus a nigger-lover. We had just got done eating Christmas dinner and Francis told me Aunty was going to teach him how to cook. I laughed at him and told him that cooking was a woman's job. I wonder if Aunty ever did get around to teaching him? If so, does he think of me and laugh? I couldn't blame him; I think of how I was when I was younger and laugh. I looked back at Dill and wonder how Dill feels when he remembers me as a little girl. I look down at myself and smile; whatever he thought couldn't be that bad.

"So that's not your dress Jean Louise's wearing?" Uncle Jack asked.

"No, it's Jean's."

"Jean's?"

"Yes. Remember your sister-in-law, peckerhead?"

"Oh, he remembers her, don't worry," Atticus interjected with sarcasm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. It was not like Atticus to be that way.

"Your father wasn't the only one who thought your mother was a catch."

"Oh, God..."

I buried my face in my hand and didn't know whether to laugh or throw up. My Uncle Jack had a crush on my mother? Eww! I couldn't believe it when Atticus started laughing as he began rubbing my head. How was this an okay thing? How did I not know? Like I cared to know in the first place...

"Jean Louise, honey," Maudie said as I got the courage to look back up at everyone. Dill was laughing at me. "Now that I'm sure you don't want breakfast anymore, want to hear something wild?"

"Wilder than what just occured?"

"Remember the night of my fire?"

"Yeah," I replied. An understatement, really; it was one of those incidents that would help lay the foundation of who I am today.

"Remember seeing your father helping me move my stuff out of the house?"

"He only carried the rocking chair from what I remember."

"Well, he also carried something else from the house. He saved your mother's wedding dress."

I was shocked. I racked my brain trying to remember if I saw him carrying the dress safe but I couldn't. I do remember being worried about Mr. Avery not being able to make it out of her house. Was it then? Did he go back in and get it then? After all, I still have no memory of Boo putting the blanket around my shoulders so anything is possible.

"I don't remember," I said, quietly. "I'm sorry."

"I remember for you," Atticus said as he slipped his hand into mine. "I didn't wake you kids yet. It was the first thing I helped her with and I didn't want you kids asking me what was in the box I was carrying."

I was astounded. I still say that rocking chair was the most valuable thing he could have saved for her but he risked his life that night saving something that was valuable to him. I looked back at my father with a complete understanding of why he did what he did that night. Only he would remember the loving feeling of that wedding dress. Well, that was until Dill saw me for the first time...


	21. When I See You Again

**A/N: So this is the second to last chapter. Both these chapters will take place several months later. Jem will make his final appearance in this chapter and I think you fellow fans will be satisfied with why he showed up on this particular night of all nights!**

It was ten o'clock at night and I was wide awake but going to bed anyway; I was getting married in the morning. Autumn always comes late in Maycomb County and this year was no exception. The wind blew strong and cold as I opened my bedroom window and I found it comforting. The ghosts of this Halloween night couldn't haunt me if they wanted to. Spirits always mean something different after you've gone through the grieving process of a loved one because you realize that spirit is the thing you run on; the one thing that keeps you alive.

I snuggled up in the fetal position as the wind flew into my bedroom. The thought of my sweet brother and the rythym of my curtains blowing helped guide me to sleep. That warm, welcoming space when you are aware that you are leaving your body and going somewhere else. I will always pray that this how Jem felt when he left this world...

 _The cold air gave way to humidity and the sound of water crept into my consciousness. That new noise alerted me and I opened my eyes to find that familiar old landscape that belongs to Finch's eyes were drawn to the darkness and black water. I peered into the water as the moonlight illuminated my reflection. I smiled back at myself once I noticed I was wearing my wedding dress._

 _"Scout," a lady's voice rang out into the night, causing me to jolt._

 _"Who's calling me?" I asked as I got up on my feet. "Where are you?"_

 _"Look up," the lady said._

 _"Okay," I obeyed. "Where am I supposed to look though? I can't see you. You must be a spirit."_

 _"I am a spirit, honey and so are you."_

 _"Well, I give up because I can't see you."_

 _"You saw me. When you were looking at yourself you were looking at the moon, too."_

 _"The moon? You're on the moon?"_

 _The moon wasn't full; it was a cresent. I looked at the moon again and squinted hard. It took me a while but there she was swinging on the bottom half with her brown curls flowing in the night air and her white dress shining as bright as the moon she was sitting on. A lightbulb went off in my head; a memory that I didn't think I had occured to me: this was the way my mother looked in her casket. Her youthful looks made us seem like we could have been the same age and that thought made me cry. The reality of how young she was when she died never occured to me until now._

 _"Hey, mama," I said with tears in my eyes._

 _"Hey, baby," she said as she came closer and closer into focus. "You're beautiful."_

 _"You're beautiful, too."_

 _"Scout," Jem called out for me next._

 _"And where are you?" I asked him as I turned my back from the moon._

 _Just like magic, he appeared out of the seafoam of the water. He came out as I first recall him to look at six years old, then he walked closer to me and then he was ten, thirteen, and until I was in his arms again, he was thirty. He had gone through his whole personal evolution in front of my eyes and it left me speechless. I turned myself around to face the moon and began to cry at the fact mama wasn't there to see that._

 _"What are you crying for?" Jem asked._

 _"Mama left," I replied, sobbing._

 _"No, no, she didn't leave," he assured me as he took me by the hands. "Do you trust me?"_

 _"Sure. Why?"_

 _"Because we're going to go find mama."_

 _"Where?"_

 _I barely had time to get that question asked before he dragged me into the water with him. The water was dark and deep and I was afraid of the water swelling into my lungs. Jem was already swimming a mile down from me but it didn't take him long to realize I wasn't beside him._

 _"You told me you trusted me," he said, clear as a bell._

 _"I do," I replied, amazed I could talk underwater as well as he could._

 _"Well, come on! If you don't go deep enough you'll never find her."_

 _He wasn't going to stall and talk to me anymore. He was on a mission to go get mama with or without me and I had the choice to go with him or not. I chose to follow my brother and I began to swim as fast as I knew how. A dark hole blocked my way but I swam through it with a mighty crash and felt the pressure afterwards. Once that was broken, I saw mama laying on the bottom of the sea looking the same as she did on the moon. Jem was back in my sight and he was standing over mama with a smile on his face._

 _"Pick her up," he told me._

 _"What if I hurt her?"_

 _"You won't. Pick her up and swim her to shore. You got her."_

 _His words of encouragement gave me confidence. I picked mama up in my arms and kissed her as I pumped my feet up to bring her back to shore. It was easy to get back up but getting across was a whole other thing: the water was more rough than I remembered and it had started to rain. I looked at mama who was still laying there unconscious and knew that I would go through with this; I would do it for her. I held her close to me and kicked and did the breaststroke the best I could with one free hand._

 _"I love you," mama told me as we got closer and closer to shore. "Keep going. I love you."_

 _The relief that I felt once I got mama to shore was like nothing I had ever felt before. I laid her down on the sand as I let out a sigh of exhaustion. I collapsed next to mama and felt the coldness of her skin against mine. She was cold and she didn't wake up. I drifted off to sleep until sunlight woke me up to find me on the same sandy beach but alone. My wedding dress was clean and dry as a bone which made no sense to me._

 _"Scout," I heard mama call out for me. I turned around to see her exactly the way she was in the moon and the water. She was vibrant and walking towards me with open arms. I've never felt so welcomed by anyone. "Come here, baby."_

 _"I'm coming, mama," I said as I ran to her. The moment we fell into each other's arms was something else. I don't think I would ever feel that way again._

 _"I love you, Jean Louise Finch," she whispered in my ear._

 _"I love you, too, mama."_

 _"Told you that you could go get her if you wanted to," Jem said as he appeared right next to me._

 _"Thanks for making me believe," I told him as I pulled him into a little group hug. Mama laughed and cried at the fact that both her babies were in her arms again._

The seven o'clock alarm rang and woke me out of my mother's arms. I wept at the sight of my own bed and the window that remained open. A knock on my door didn't stifle my crying. Atticus opened the door and clutched his heart at the sight of me crying like I was. He came over to my side of the bed and kissed my cheek.

"What's the matter, baby?"

"I saw mama last night," I cried into his chest. "I miss her."

He hugged me as he let me cry more. One hand stroked my hair as his other hand stroked my back.

"I see your mama all the time," he confessed as he kissed the top of my head. "I miss her, too."


	22. Forever And Ever, Amen

There wasn't much time to mourn the second loss of my mother. Atticus and I only allowed ourselves ten minutes to cry together before I had to wipe my tears and get out of bed. I made myself a light breakfast of coffee and toast; it was all I could bear to eat. I was off to the shower once the dishes were clean. As I washed myself all over twice with Octagon Soap and Castile, I thought of Calpurnia because that's how she would wash me. She would not be with me today: our church wouldn't let colored people in anyway. I still don't know where she is, if she's even still here, but wherever she may be, I pray that she knows that I'm thinking of her and I'm doing this to her. Thank you, Calpurnia. You will always hold a special place in my heart. I love you.

Once I had gotten out and dried off, I went to my bedroom and put on a pair of panties and a bra. Maudie was coming with the dress at any minute. As soon as I began to brush my hair, there was a knock on the door and I knew it was her.

"Come in," I said.

She walked in wearing a low-cut floral dress and red lipstick. My mouth gaped open at the sight of her.

"What are you looking at me like that for, Jean Louise?"

"Does Uncle Jack know you're wearing that?"

"Nope."

"You're a sly thing, Maudie."

"I know," she said with a devil smile. I giggled; there was no wonder why I loved her so much. "Now come over here so we can get you dressed."

Slipping into mama's dress had become sadly routine to me by now. Now that I know how she feels, the magic had kind of left and it made me sad. Maudie had turned me around to look at myself and I smiled proudly. I felt my mother's aura surround me again and I felt nothing but warmth.

"Want me to do your hair like your mother's?" Maudie asked.

"How'd she wear it?"

"Just in a high bun. It would take no time at all, really."

"Okay."

Maudie grabbed the comb while I sat on the bed. It felt good to have my hair played with. I loved to feel the gentle yankings of the comb as she painstakingly drew my hair up into the perfect little bun just like my mama had.

"Go to the mirror and tell me what you think," she said when she was done.

"Wow," I said as I gave myself a look. "I bet mama looked pretty."

"She was very pretty, just like you."

"I look like Atticus."

"That's not a bad thing my love," she said as she came behind me, grabbed my shoulders and kissed my cheek. We both laughed as we realized her lipstick made a mark.

"Do you want me to do your make-up?"

"Sure."

Another trip back to the bed was made for this final step. I closed my eyes for the eyeshadow, fluttered them open for the mascara, puffed in my cheeks for the blush and pouted my lips for the lipstick. Before I could give myself another look, Maudie had grabbed my white flats and put them on.

"Now you're complete," she said as she helped me up.

I really was complete. My face was every shade of pink there could be and I had never felt so feminine. Maudie had done such a great job.

"Don't you cry," Maudie scolded, gently. "Mascara is a bitch to come off."

"Thank you," I said as I flew into her arms. "Thank you for absolutely everything you've ever done for me."

"My pleasure," she said as she grabbed my face and kissed my cheek. "You're my girl."

"Jack's here," Atticus said with a knock on the door. "Are you ladies ready?"

"Yes," I replied nervously.

"When the boys cry when they see you," Maudie said before she opened the door. "It's because you're so beautiful, all right?"

She opened the door and Atticus' face dropped. It was almost like he saw me for the first time. I gulped down a lump in my throat.

"Hey, Atticus," I practically whispered.

"Hey, baby," he said as he made his way to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"Don't make her cry," Maudie said. "Her eye make-up is perfect."

"I'll try not to," he said as he let me go.

"What's the hold up?" Uncle Jack screeched as he made his way into my room. "Well, hello Maudie!"

"Hello, to you, too," Maudie said with a tease.

"Hello, Uncle Jack," I said with a smile.

"Hello, honey," he said as he came over to hug and kiss me. "My Lord, you're gorgeous."

"Thank you."

"I could gush all over you all day but we gotta get you to that church. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

"You'll be just fine, sweetheart," he said as he kissed me one last time.

I was thankful that Uncle Jack remained sober enough to drive us. That didn't keep him from being naughty all the way over to the church, though: he kept adjusting the mirror so he could look down Maudie's dress. Maudie would bicker and threaten to rip the mirrow off everytime. I knew better; she liked his attention way too much. It helped distract me from the butterflies in my stomach. The same nerves I had when we pulled up to Jem's funeral were the same I was expieriencing right now. Sometimes the closing of a chapter and the opening of a chapter feel the same. I was able to get out of the car, I was able to take Atticus by the hand, and I was able to be there for when the church doors opened up for the bride.

I realized as I walked down the aisle that this was a rather small gathering; too small for this big church. I all of a sudden felt funny about hosting my wedding here. I should have just eloped. I will never have the fanfare that my brother had. He made the church seem small while I felt I was drowning in this collossal space. I only felt I could breathe again when I finally made my way to Dill. He had cried my whole walk down and after Atticus kissed me goodbye, I gave him a hug.

"It's okay," I whispered in his ear.

"I know," he whispered in mine.

"Shall we begin?" The minister asked.

"Yes, sir," I said as I let Dill go and took him by the hand instead.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Charles Baker Harris and Jean Louise Finch join hands in holy matrimony. Before God, they will proclaim their love, trust and faith in one another for the eternity of their time on Earth."

"Do you, Jean Louise Finch, take Charles Harris to be your lawfully wedded husband? For richer, for poorer, for sickness and in health, for better or for worse, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," I replied with confidence. I've never felt so sure about anything. For better or for worse? I think we've already gone through the worst. My heart melted when I heard Dill say, "I Do," back to me.

"May I ask Jack Finch to come forward with the rings please?"

I watched as Uncle Jack brought the rings to the minister and I laughed as he patted me on the back before he sat down. I love my Uncle.

"Jean Louise, place this on the third finger of Charles' left hand and repeat these vows after me..."

"Charles," I repeated after the minister. "With this ring, I honor you with my love and with this ring, I thee wed."

I shivered as Dill placed his ring on my finger and prayed to God that my legs wouldn't give way while he said those vows to me.

"By the power invested in me, by God and the state of Alabama, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Dill smiled and I let out a sigh of relief and happiness; we did it!

"You may kiss the bride."

I grabbed Dill's face as I kissed him whole-heartedly on the mouth. I felt his tears combine with mine as he pulled me into a hug. I looked up at the stained-glass window and I saw two birds flutter by. I smiled as I realized it was mama and Jem. They were with me.


End file.
